SI II

it's almost one in the morning.
i lie in bed and hurt.
the unfortunate thing about not needing
a knife, scissor, razor or match
to hurt myself
is that i can do it
almost any time
almost any place.
because my "weapons"
are always with me.
no one can take away
my hands
my teeth
my cut short fingernails.
i stare at the birthday poster
from my "little sisters"...
and i hurt.
i flip over to see all my
signs, quotes, and pictures from my friends...
and i hurt.
i look at the signs above my head
telling me to "have faith," reminding me of my value...
and i hurt.
i think about how dumb it is
that i cause myself more pain,
as though i don't have enough already...
and i hurt.

does it ever end?

Question of the Day

no, don't expect one every single day! but anyway, here's my question...

what does it feel like to be happy? not a minute here and there. happy like usually your happy, but sometimes something gets you down, rather than the other way around.

abraham lincoln once said "most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." which technically speaking is probably true. and it makes a nice quote and a pretty poster (thanks mary engelbreit and TCM!). but if one makes up her mind to be happy, and doesn't really know what happiness feels like, how can she be happy?

man, way too analytical for this hour of the night...er, morning! but i do really want answers, kinda...

?

why

___

___

___

shouldn't i

___

___

___

wanna die?

questionnaire...

well, this questionnaire is teaching me something new...

i'm so good! see, all those questions about when i was a kid...out of 15 questions, only 2 were "yes!"

so why do i feel so stupid, instead of good? maybe because i think it's the dumbest thing in the universe to torture me with all of this...i mean, was i supposed to be a terrible person? was i supposed to be mean, and nasty, and destructive?

first, i circled "no" by the question "did you lie a lot or con other people?" but then my friend told me that my lying couldn't have started just now, so if i'm a liar now, i was a liar then. thanks...thanks a lot. so i changed my answer.

i'm finally almost done. i'm left with 2 questions. well, on paper anyhow. 2 questions and at least one more hour of evaluation. which means at least another 3 hours travelling time, before they even decide if i fit the criteria for the study. i've already spent 16 hours on it-and that's without counting the time i spent on the questionnaire, or the time i spent worrying, and panicking...

and they can still say no.

second evaluation

so i just read my emails asking how today went...thanks everyone!
here's what it was like:

(bear in mind though, that this thing was three hours long, i was on less than 5 hours of sleep, and i have a poor short term memory!)

dr. b: zo, i vill esk you kveshtins, and you vill try to enser. first, vee vill talk a leetle ebout ze trama, and zen vee vill talk ebout every ozer mental hells problem you and your entire femily ever hed.

me: (whispering) um...ok.

dr. b: zo, you ver molested. vood you prefer i say "ze molestation" or "ze event?" oh, you don't know? ok, zo vee vill say "ze event." how old you ver ven "ze event" heppened?

me: um...nobody knows for sure when it started. it stopped when i was twelve. (see what nice big sentences i used?)

dr. b: ok. try to remember for me ven you ferst started heving symptoms.

me: (blank look. shrug.) dunno

dr. b: vell, did you ever go for ze treatment for zees problem.

me: yeah. a lot.

dr b: ok, vell, ven did you go and vat heppened? (flips a few pages in the booklet she's been reading out of. finds the page that has lots of long and short lines for recording all this info...)

me: first i went to _____ when i was ten, then i went to dr. _____, also when i was ten. then i stopped going to her when i was thirteen, and when i was.... (i'll spare you the details. i'm sure you don't want to know about all 8 therapists and 2 pdocs and my hospitalization)

dr. b: ok. now i vill esk you some kveshtins ebout how you reacted to "ze event." (this part was a general repeat of last weeks evaluation. of course, she doesn't ask me "do you have OCD? do you have schizophrenia?" or anything like that. only round-about questions to make me crazy. for some examples, see last weeks post about my first evaluation. the only basic difference was that she asked me about dying a few less times. and...)

dr. b: vy do you speak in such a kvy-it voice? did you alvays speak so kvy-it? vat vould heppen if i pressure you to raise you voice?

me: dunno. dunno. dunno.

dr. b: don't vorry. i vill not pressure you. ok, all ze kveshtins i esked you before vas ebout ze lest veek. next vee vill do ze kveshtins ebout zee lest mons, end ze rest of your history from ze day you vere born until today. if you feel uncomfortable, you vill tell me.

me: hesitant nod. (oh man. i am SUCH a liar!!)

dr. b: (asks a million in depth questions, reading from a three inch booklet and taking notes. the only thing i can really see, due to my poor vision, is that the upper left corner of each page says DSM-IV (two unknown letters). and that every time she flips around, it's cuz i answered a "kveshtin" in a way that makes her beloved booklet tell her to ask me an extra dozen questions.)

me: dunno. um...possibly. nod. shake head. basically. a little. sometimes. a lot. maybe. dunno. i don't know. um...shake shake shiver.

(finally, it's 1:00!)
dr. b: ok. vee ar done vis dis booklet. next veek vee vill feeneesh. eet vill be for von ahver. ok. you vill please fill out dis kveshtin booklet, end bring eet vis you ven you vill come bek. if you not sure ebout zee kveshtin, you vill circle eet.

obviously, this is not the complete event...i couldn't remember half of it. but now i have this dumb booklet full of analyzing questions to fill out...and most of it sounds exactly like what she asked me today...some examples:

are you often grumpy and likely to get into arguments?
have other people told you that you are stubborn or rigid?
do you often feel guilty about things you have or haven't done?
do you often put yourself down?
dyo you keep thinking about bad things that have happened in the past or worry about bad things that might happen in the future?
have you had personal experiences with the supernatural?
is it NOT important to you whether you have any close relationships? (what kind of question is that? do they mean 'is it important to you whethere you have any close relationships?' and they just wanna confuse me by asking it backwards, or there is something to it that i'm missing?)
do you often think that object or shadows are really people or animals or that noises are actually peoples voices?
have you been told that you have too high an opinion of yourself?
could you be content without ever being sexually involved with anyone?
do you flirt a lot?
are you not really interested in other peoples problems or feelings?
have you often become frantic when you thought that someone you really cared about is was going to leave you?
have you tried to hurt or kill yourself or threatened to do so?
have you ever cut, burned, or scratched yourself on purpose?

ok, here's the part that is the most fun:

before you were 15, would you/did you...

rob, mug or forcibly take something from someone by threatening him/her?
torture or hurt animals on purpose?
start fights?
deliberately torture someone or cause someone physical pain and suffering?
set fires?
force someone to have sex with you, get undressed, or touch you sexually?
threaten someone with a weapon?
destroy things that weren't yours?
break into houses, buildings, or cars?
lie a lot or con other people?
sometimes steal or shoplift things, or forge someones signature?
run away and stay away overnight?

honestly, who in their right minds would answer half those questions honestly? not that i did any of those things...but still!!

nerves II (prayers welcome!)

second evaluation coming...

did i say that second evaluation is two hours? well, i was wrong...
why would an evaluation be only two hours long?
two hours wouldn't be nearly enough time, for something i abhor
they'll need at least three hours, possibly four...
at least this time when she scheduled me for an inconvenient day,
she got to move me up, from wednesday to tuesday!

next evaluation is a three hour psychological evaluation. and i thought one hour was bad...oh well, at least this time i get to speak to a lady...if i can speak at all!

log off

i want to...

i want to
stop.
now.

how can
i
just

keep hurting
me
so

much?

it hurts
to hurt
myself.

it hurts
not to
hurt me.

now the
question is

which hurts
more?

help

i need to go someplace very far away
but i know i won't be getting there today

he's hurting me.
i know this is not real.
it's not happening now.
in fact, this...this...feeling
that i'm having right now,
this hurt,
i don't think it was ever real.
but it hurts.

i'm trying...i'm trying so hard.
why doesn't it go away?
why won't it leave me?
i'm doing everything i can
to make it go away.
but it won't.

maybe...maybe some of the answers i gave today weren't true.
maybe i'm deluding myself.
maybe i really do have serious mental health issues.
besides for the ones i admit to (depression, ptsd, suicidal thoughts, SI)
maybe i'm just a big, fat liar.
maybe they shouldn't be leaving me here
in my house
with my thoughts.
maybe i should be locked away
restrained.

i can't anymore...
i can't keep doing this...
where's the log off button on my brain?
somebody...
please...

first evaluation done!

today was the first part of my evaluation. yay. a very exciting event...basically, this is what it was like:

"do you ever feel suicidal?
do you ever feel like you need to wash your hands a million times?
it's difficult to hear you, can you speak up a bit?
do you want to die?
have you ever been through any truama?
do you ever want to kill yourself?
can you try to talk in a louder voice please?
do you hear voices in your head?
do you ever hurt yourself? how?
do you ever feel like dying?
do you ever see things that other people don't see?
you'll have to speak up a little i can't hear you.
are you very anxious?
do you ever try killing yourself?
do you ever feel depressed?
do you feel like killing yourself now?
do you ever feel your heart racing and have trouble breathing?
have you ever been admitted to a psychiatric hospital?
do you avoid things because of your trauma? what?
i'm having trouble hearing you. can you speak a little louder?
are you on any medications?
which medications?
what doses?
have you ever been in therapy?
can you speak up, i can't hear you.
do you want to die?..."

no, it's you i wanna kill, idiot!!

seriously though, that's basically what the conversation was like. 45 minutes!!
and i have to go for a two hour psychological evaluation next week. at least that one's with a lady...

and get this:
for next weeks evaluation, i need to be completely off of all medications. why?
because the anti-anxiety medication i'm on that's not making me less anxious, and the sleep meds i'm on that are not making me fall asleep may actually randomly start working next week wednesday, at 11:00, which would make me less anxious and tired, and therefore make the lady doing my evaluation unable to see me extremely anxious and displaying all my ptsd symptoms, which are a requirement for the study.

makes a lot of sense, right?

well, i made it out alive...thanks everyone!

Getting Through the Day

you may have noticed the booklist on the left side of my blog. one of the books listed is "getting through the day" by nancy j. napier. i said i find it quite helpful.



woah. i'm such a liar.



i'm reading the book. the ideas in it would probably be very helpful...if i could just figure out how to put them into practice! here's an example:

"using whatever relaxation, guided imagery or self-hypnotic technique you like, take a moment, now, to close your eyes and settle yourself. Imagine, without demanding that any specific awareness or sensation arise, that your future self has come back in time to give you a healing experience about shame, to show you how it can feel as you move away from those old, familar shame responses of childhood. As you begin, recall a particular situation in which you felt a deep sense of shame. Notice how your body feels as you review the awful feelings, thoughts, and body sensations that accompany shame.

next, imagine that your future self is approaching from across time and space, moving through your iner world to where you are now. you may or may not "see" your future self. that doesn't matter. what is important is to allow yourself to sense that your future self is coming near.

when you feel that this has happened, imagine that you can step inside your future self so that, as in other exercises, it's as though your body were the body of your future self. allow yourself to suspend any disbelief for a few moments, and simply accept that you are sharing the sensations, thoughts, and feelings of your future self, whether or not you are conscious of them right now.

as you explore what you are experiencing as you blend your body with that of your future self, allow yourself to hold the expectation that the sensations related to shame that you experience in the body of your future self may be quite different from what you carry in your present-day body. it's helpful to call on your natural curiousity and let yourself be open to any subtle, new sensations that may come into your experience. tale a moment, now, just to be with whatever enters your awareness.

next, allow yourself to become aware of the state of mind and emotions fo your future self as they relate to your remembered shame. you might do this, at first, by imagining that you are seeing through the eyes of your future self, that you have access to the perspective part of you. give yourself plenty of time to pay attention to your inner experience, and simply take in any impressions that may come to you.

you may discover that your future self experiences shame in a very different way from how you currently do in your day-to-day life. for example, notice your body. how does it feel as the body of your future self, in all those places where the shame is hidden in your present day body? do you still want to hide? is there a sense of strength anywhere that you hadn't noticed before? what new feeling or sensation is particularly soothing or reassuring to you this time?

to help you know how it feels to move beyond your shame, take a moment to look at your present-day self through the eyes of your future self. it's important to remember that this wiser part of you no longer carries the conviction that you are basically flawed or that you have awful things about you that no one should ever discover. can you sense the self acceptance that your future self feels? is there a sensation somewhere in your body that conveys the quality of feeling good about yourself? just continue to be curious and to realize that it may take some time before you are able truly to accept a less shameful perspective of yourself.

now, give yourself a few minutes just to be with whatever you are experiencing, if that's all right with you. when you take this time just to be with the experience, you allow your present-day body to learn from the body of your future self how it feels to be free from the burden of shame. you allow your present-day self to learn how it is to feel good about yourself and to think well of yourself."

first of all, if my eyes had been closed, like she said to do in the first paragraph, how could i have read all of that?!

ok, that's just me being really...whatever. me, i guess. but seriously, how am i supposed to remember that whole sequence of instructions, and things to notice, and pay attention to? even after reading that twice and typing it once, i'm not really sure how to do it! i can't remember all that!

help?

nerves

update

for all those who decided to join me, i haven't yet worked out the kinks in how i'd like to do this, but please email me littlesheffele@gmail.com and i'll tell you what i think the first step is!

little sheep

proposal

no, i'm not about to talk about marriage. sorry, folks! that was just to catch your attention!

my friend posed a very interesting question last night. she asked me (here, i'll be quoting exact words from her text message) "why can't you tell people or people find out?" as usual, we were talking about my abuse, and how most people don't know about it. and it's not just me-most girls keep it very hidden, and few, if any people "officially" know any of their history. (i say "officially" cuz i know that there are people, like my above mentioned friend and many others, who figure it out on their own, but don't say anything until they're "officially" told)

here's my answer, and then i'll tell you what my proposal is, and hear all of you yell how i'm a nut!

(again, i'm basically quoting exactly what i told her. her response to the first part was "yup," and then we ended the conversation. it was only the middle of the night...) "cuz of the stupid society we live in. People don't want to see our pain.If they see our pain and hear our stories, they have to admit that all is not perfect, and that not all "frum" people are so great. They'd rather pretend it doesn't exist. It doesn't exist, there are just, nebach, some kids who get "turned off" of yiddishkeit, and try to get back at the frum world by making up stories...so we all sit in our little holes saying "oh yeah? there are other girls? where? you're just making it up to make me feel better" until we somehow meet up with each other by accident, which is really sad, cuz we can support each other...every person i know who was abused, molested, or raped, i met either by "accident" or anonymously online!"

again, before i make my proposal...realize, that i KNOW i'm being very stereotypical here. not everyone thinks that way. B"H, i am lucky to have a lot of wonderful people in my life who don't think that way. the point is though, that there is so much of that garbage out there, that we do have to keep it very secret, and we can't necessarily meet up with each other. i'm not saying that we should be broadcasting our histories all over the place. not everyone needs to know. but i think there is no logical reason why those of us who were abused/molested/raped should not get to know each other and support each other, without having to hide.

so, here's what i propose. every person who has responded to my blog knows at least one person (either me, or someone else!) who was hurt in this manner. why not let everyone gather here, and start a group of some sort, for FRUM girls/girls who grew up in frum homes-whatever they are up to now (i'm saying that specifically, not because i want to exclude anyone else, but because there is plenty of support out there for people who don't have the added issues of yiddishkeit to deal with)?

what do you all think? will you help me in this? (and if you think that i may know someone who you would send here, email me and i'll tell you how to deal with it. obviously, don't give any identifying information about the other person, but i do want to deal with it slightly differently...not because they may figure out who i am, but because if i figure out who they are and they don't want me to, it could be disasterous!) please respond folks!

just wanted to add, after getting an email in response to this: i am NOT at the moment talking about a face-to-face group. temporarily, it would be through my blog, and we'd take it from there...

trying...

Its hurting so much...
the urges getting tough...
need help in a rush...
my willpower's not enough!

and i failed again.
within ten minutes of writing this poem
i had hurt myself again.
so much for my very firm statement this morning
"i MUST stop."
will i ever do anything right?

too good to be true

last week, you all know,
i had my phone interview
made an appointment for an eval
on Veterans day...too good to be true

here i am, the day before
a wonderful psych eval,
waiting to get
a confirmation call...

instead what i got
is an apology
the clinic's not open tomorrow,
don't you see!

so all the waiting, all the nerves,
i had, are for naught...
another whole week of waiting
that's all that i got!

you heard right friends! after all my nerves this past week, about going to the city and meeting with a-gulp-male psychiatrist, about starting something new...the dear lady who made my appointment forgot that the clinic is closed on Veterans day. so i have to keep my frayed nerves all together for another whole week...so, if you were planning to pray for my success at this evaluation on the eleventh, you can change the date to the eighteenth!

His Hand II

tonight
He showed me
His Hand.

i've been
waiting to see
His Hand
for so long...

and tonight,
when i needed
a friend
to hold me
and hug me
watch over me
when i cried

He sent her.
my friend.
i hadn't seen her
since her wedding
and tonight
just when i needed
a friend
so badly,
she "happened"
to be in the neighborhood,
and her husband
"happened"
to want a
specific food
from his sister
who lives
a few blocks
away...
so he
dropped her off,
and for half an hour,
she sat with me
hugged me
and let me
cry,
curled up in bed
with my head
in her lap.

what else
could that be
but
His Hand?

Helpful Responses

anonymous, this is for you. i hope you find it helpful. still awaiting your email though... these are some responses that people have gotten to their stories that have been found to be helpful towards healing, and that they considered supportive. (taken from pandy's) every person is different though, and what some people find helpful and supportive, others may find offensive, and even destructive. a lot of them are repeats, but i put them anyway, so people can see different responses. i also tried not to change the formatting too much, and did not change any words, which is why some things are in quotes, and some not. the best thing to do is ask...

He ASKED me if it was ok to give me a hug. You know what? That was perfect! I really needed a hug!

And, all he repeated over and over was it wasn't my fault.

I want someone to make it easy for me and ask me questions, and if I'm not ready to answer them to make it clear I can speak to them about it freely.

I need my space so I guess holding my hand would be comforting without invading my personal space too much.

I believe you.

It wasn't your fault.

You are safe in here.

"Do you want us to go beat them up?"

Bottom line, I need a hug. Not just a fast little one, either. I need someone to hold my hand or hug me and not let go.

What always helped me was KNOWING the other person actually believed me. no one in my family takes me seriously OR talks about anything and it was very very nice and a relief to finally be believed.

If they would LET me talk- not interrupting, interrogating, or dismissing me in any way (pooh-poohing, changing the subject, walking/turning away, etc.).telling me that it is OK to talk always helps. letting me know i can say what i need to helps as well.

"The way you reacted and continue to react to what happened to you is perfectly normal and actually common."

They were wrong

You're not tainted

You don't "ask for it".

I love you

You're a good person

I am so *angry* at them. How dare they?

Most of the time, I really want to be held.

That I'm still the same girl, that nothing's changed...

I want to be able to tell someone without feeling ashamed or embarrassed.

I want them to understand mostly.

"You didn't fight back, but that doesn't mean you wanted it to happen."

"Here's some chocolate."

I'm here for you.

I will listen and believe.

"I admire you for still getting up every morning."

"Thank you for trusting me to tell me this important piece of your life."

"We will get through this."

"I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."

"I can see you're hurting very badly."

"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to but if you ever need someone to listen, I'm right here."

"What can I do to make you feel safe?"

"There's nothing you can tell me that will ever change my respect for you or make me stop caring about you."

"You have every right to be enraged."

I would like to hear "that is rape- this happened to you."

I want to be validated, I do not want it minimized in anyway.

I would want someone to say they were sorry, and be 100% genuine about it.

Personally I would like a hug and to be told "It's going to be okay. I'm here for you"

"I'm absolutely in awe right now of how strong you are that that you went through what you went through, that you survived it and that you're even functional now."

"I am sorry".

"You know I love you and you don't have to tell me, but I feel something is wrong ... I can feel your pain" And so emotional me started to cry and she just held me close to her. Eventhough I couldn't tell her anything that evening it was still the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.

I just am tired of phrases like "getting better", when there was never anything wrong with me in the first place.

Acceptance of what I tell them, without them requiring that I go into graphic details to explain myself.

Something along the lines of: "He had no right to do that to you. He had to have known he was hurting you. You didn't do anything wrong."

My roommate told her boyfriend (since we were in a setting where she thought I might be badly triggered) that I had had something bad happen to me and didn't trust boys and was triggered by certain things. He spent the whole night quietly standing guard over me while I interacted with his close friends without ever being asked, and backed off any time I said it was okay.

i want someone to believe me, say its not my fault, that it was wrong, and im not damaged goods because of it a hug would be nice too

"Nothing is wrong with you. The fact that you're talking at all is impressive."

i think the best response i ever got, was after a year of hinting about my past to one of my friends, i told her someone else's story, and she responded by saying, "sweetie, i'll be over in 5 minutes," and just came and sat with me while i cried.

My dad hugged me. He cried too--it was the first time I saw him cry and I'm still mad at my ex for making my daddy cry.

"That's not okay, that's sexual assault and it happens to a lot of girls."

a hug, because otherwise I feel that i'm too dirty to be touched.

to be believed

to not be asked any questions about it, just what they can do

Someone to watch over me or guard me.

I need to hear "It matters what happened to you, it really WAS that bad, and you don't need to feel guilty about any of it or how your life has been even after it was over."

Don't need to be 'fixed', need to be listened to, respected, understood, and heard with empathy and compassion.

I want them to tell me I can talk or not talk about it whenever I want. And I want to be reassured I can still have a fulfilling and normal life.

Being heard not just listened to.

Not getting what I call THE LOOK. I get it when people ask what's wrong and I tell them I'm dealing with child abuse issues.

Being asked what I need.

I don't know, but I want to be believed and validated. And if it is someone supportive, I dont' want them to suddenly leave (either emotionally or physically, like move away across the country or something).

One of my friends texted this to me after we were texted about stuff. Even though I didn't tell everything, it still meant alot. I love her (in a nice friendly way! lol) Love you too! What happened kiddo? I just want to know your safe. I just want to protect you and I feel like I fail miseraly at it. I'm mad at me.

You are not a victim, you're a survivor

What happened is a chapter of your history not the definition of you

I'm proud of you

i want to hear that they forgive me, even if it wasnt my fault. thats what i want to hear. im sick of people telling me it wasnt my fault... i know that... but it doesnt help me at all. it still feels like it was 90% of the time.

I don't particularly want sympathy about what a horrific ordeal because I know much worse stuff could have happened and i'm lucky it wasn't worse in my situation but I guess I still just want to be validated that it wasn't my fault.

came home that night after therapy and told my spouse he didn't say a word he just cried and then he held me in his arms all night

you did not deserve to be treated that way

hugs would be nice, to... I wish people would offer to hold me once in awhile, then maybe I could feel safe to cry.

I'd like to hear: We can track them down, make them confess, and then we'll give them the maximum sentence and send them to jail for the rest of their miserable lives. Ok, seriously though. I would just like to hear that they were wrong and what they did was evil... that it's not my fault and that I truly can heal.

I'd like people to listen to me if I tell them...I want to be validated for how I'm feeling. I want to be cared for. I want to be treated like a human being after I tell, not a freak. I want people to still see me as ME...and not just my past.

It's not your fault. You are safe here. Your reactions are normal; there are no rules for how you should feel, how you should act and when you should react.

It depends on how safe I feel around some. But a good, solid hug while they tell me that they're there for me helps so much.

At this point, all that I want is for them not to say something lame. I don't expect people to get it or to help heal my wounds but I do want some depth from them. A simple 'wow' with a look of concern is fine... just as I would for them if they told me something horrible that happened to them, serious or just unfortunate.

I try not to expect things from people and to be self-efficient. It's easier that way. And also, it feels good to be able to depend on myself.

the sad thing is, that this is basically the ENTIRE thread on good responses. i was able to copy and past almost the whole thing. the thread on phrases that should be banned on the other hand, was so long, i couldn't go through the whole thing!

Phone Interview

just got off the phone
with the institute
i had my very first
phone interview

so many questions
things i had to tell
bout meds, bout trauma
my health as well

what are you taking?
what do you do?
what ever happened
that was trauma to you?

drop your therapist!
get off your meds!
tell us of times
in hospital beds!

well, sounds like i might
be able to come,
what appointment should i take?
10, 11, 12 or 1?

oh, and just by the way,
the appointment you'll have, to evaluate
will be with a psychiatrist,
a man...uh oh...doesn't sound too great...

so now i get to go to
an appointment for an hour
and then, if they accept me,
next time is 3 hours!

pray for me friends,
on the 11th of November
that i should be accepted
as a study member!

i'm trying to stop shaking, and feel proud instead, that i managed to arrange this all by myself-starting from taking down the information from my psychiatrist, and ending with making this appointment. i don't know if i can really feel proud though...

#103

can't keep on fighting
the scratching and biting
the pain and the hate
just becoming to great

when does the pain ever leave
when will i feel some small relief
when will i finally be able
to call myself emotionally stable?

hospital visit

lunchtime in the hospital
i'm choking on the smell
i gotta thank the One Above
that i can pretend so well
that this place is not for me
in-patient i don't need to be
at least now, temporarily
maybe, someday, permanently!

(we will see
what will be
not so easy
preventing me!)

told you the bad, here's some good!

here's a little note about
a little bit of yesterday
i wanna cheer and shout
it went this way:

i didn't scratch, i didn't bite
i didn't pull out any hair
didn't all day, didn't all night
although the urge was there!

maybe someday, there will be a time
when i can tell you all,
that this is true all the time,
for once and for all!

so, there's my record. one day and one night. yay.
whoop-dee-do! i feel so accomplished...not.
i should be way past this!

Proud

ok, here's an attempt at finding something positive to write. not very easy, me being me, but...here goes!

i am proud that...
__________ i agreed to join a study, if i am accepted
__________ i said shema last night
__________ i went out and had a good time with my friend today
__________ i ate two real foods today, even though i wasn't in the mood

more to come, someday, maybe...

if i have so much to be proud of, why am i so...down?

lost cause

song, to the tune of "i'm a chaf sofis" from "shalom, shalom aleph"

i'm a total lost cause,
i'm a total lost cause,
holding on to the end of my rope...
i'm losing my grip real quick,
as i trip and fall and slip,
cause there is no hope,
at the end of a rope

i can't say this is an all the time feeling, but it happens.
a lot.

disappear

its so cool
when It's not hear
when will It
permanantly disappear?
when will the time
finally come
that for more than five
minutes It's gone?

hope

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okay, help me out friends!

which "baskets" are easiest to hold onto?

where should i put my hopes?

i wish

i wish i had a place to be
not full of painful memory
i wish there was a place to go
to see that i have truly grown
i wish i knew a place so safe
to which i could really escape

each room i enter smacks of “then”
“this is where i was when”
“this is the spot on the living room floor”
“that’s where i slept when he opened the door”
“here’s where he stood, that’s where i sat”
“this is where we were when he did that”

of course the pain won’t disappear…
i’ve got reminders everywhere!

the flicker dies out

this is a sequel to "a flicker of hope," read that one first!

these hopeful thoughts were quickly replaced instead
with all my fears returning to my head
like the general fear of being wed
more specifically, a man with me in bed

a tear slowly slipped from my eye
the rest of the night, i texted and cried
cuz i couldn't get the fears from my mind
and that tiny little flicker...died...

a flicker of hope

i started this poem when it happened, on October 29th, but of course i couldn't finish it then!

cauliflower doesn't like cuddling, which is why this incident was so weird,
i decided there had to be a message hidden in it somewhere
for once in my life the message didn't take too long to appear
and now you get to read it, recorded for posterity here.

cauliflower is my toddler niece,
who just couldn't' seem to fall asleep
so i took her out of bed, hoping for some peace,
and we snuggled on the couch, under a fleece.

clutching her toy phone and bottle real tight
she babbled to me, full of delight
it's been such a long time since my heart felt this light
i started predicting a future so bright

a future with children, babies to cuddle,
laughter and joy, splashing in puddles...
a home of my own, to cook in, keep clean,
a caring husband, to share nachas with me...

and somewhere deep inside of me, the feeling grew,
suddenly, i positively knew,
that someday i want this, i really do-
how's that for something out of the blue?

next up: what happened right after this revelation...