spiders III

the itsy bitsy spider
crawled through my underwear
even though i really
don't want it in there...

weddings

did i ever mention
how weddings trigger?
how the fear
always gets bigger?
i really love
my dear old friend
but a wedding tonight
may be my end...

It V

pain so big
bigger than me
won't even stop
by hurting you see
tried to push
the pain far away
helped for a minute
anyway
but this is bigger
stronger and tougher
making my already
rough life rougher

final stupid study update

okay, so i had my final eval today. it was just for the head of the study to confirm that all the diagnosis that the other two made were accurate, so it was pretty short. he was the first one without any kind of unusual accent. but i couldn't stay calm the whole time, and he noticed.

he says that he doesn't think the study is for me cuz i belong on meds for my depression. and he apologized for it taking so long, but "we have to do it to make sure we can really help the people who join the study." well, idiot, did you ever consider that maybe, just maybe, you were making things worse for potential candidates by taking so long? this thing took FIVE weeks! if they had done the first three evals monday, thursday, monday and this one on the next thursday, the thing could've been over in TWO WEEKS! less than half the time!

i agreed to accept his apology offer of 14 weeks free treatment cuz it'll save my parents $440 a week in therapy costs. but i doubt i'll finish the course of treatment, cuz it doesn't sound too different than what my therapist now is doing. (he offered me IPT, which sounds like plain old talk-to-a-stranger-about-your-problems-therapy to me!) we're looking into plan B now, which is DBT, and sounds really hard to me, but it's supposed to be really helpful. (here is an explanation of what it is. however, most DBT programs are more intense than what it describes-a few hours a day five days a week rather than one group and one individual session a week. and many people in the programs don't have BPD. so no, you can't add that as another diagnosis for me!) i don't know if i can handle DBT, but i promised i'd try it. in the meantime, i'm a little in no-mans-land, cuz i don't know much about this IPT person, if she's really any good, if i'm gonna like her or not, if i'm gonna last more than a session...

little sheep before a shower

'>

another stupid study update...

ok. they are really brilliant. so, my psychiatrist is just as annoyed at them as i was, cuz they were really dragging things out, right? she called them. she has an in, cuz she also works for the NYSPI, just on a study that doesn't make potential participants crazy the way this one does. anyway, i just got this piece of info from her:

this whole thing is to see if i am accepted into the stupid study. but i get the treatment for free, whether or not i'm accepted, as a token of their appreciation of my participation in their retraumitizing me.

it would have been nice if they told me that when they started evaluating me. it would have been a lot simpler, and caused me a lot less pain. now i just gotta figure out-if they don't accept me for the study, do i get to keep my therapist that i like, even though they're treating me? can i keep going to her, to get over the trauma of the evaluation?

stupid study update...

so they called me today. joy to the world!!

HR: hellooo, this is HR caaawling on beehayf of dr. m from the uh study uh at the uh Neew York Staaate Psychiatrriiic In-sti-tooot aynd Columbeeeaa Yoo-nii-ver-siity. uh, dr uh m would liiike to meet with yooo for a final uh evaluation on uh tyooosday at uh noon that's uh twelve. would that uh work for you?

LS: i have to check with my parents and get back to you. (yes friends, little sheep checks with her parents about these things. because little sheep is a scaredy cat)

HR: ok, uh, so, uh, you caaawwll me back and let me un know if its uh good for yoooou. and uh, if i don't pick up, uh, leave me a uh message that it uh works for yooou to uh, come at uh, twelve on tyooosday. and uh, if it, uh, doesn't work for yooou, uh, yoooou will uh, say that.

LS: ok

(AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)

this was NOT a call to tell me that i was accepted. it was a call to tell me that they need to evaluate me AGAIN! what are they gaining from this, exactly?

oh, and by the way, this one is with a man. again. yay. (a new man...well, new to me, anyway)

update on the stupid study...

haven't been feeling very expressive lately. just wanted to tell everyone that 1) i did not get an answer from the study 2) i did not decide if i'm giving up on it and 3) i'm leaning towards forgetting about the study, telling them to get lives and come up with a quicker process, and just go on to other things in life, cuz they're really getting to me!

hope that answers everyone's questions. if you have any more, please let me know!

prison cell

shabbos.
the day you wait for all week.
shabbos.
the day of rest, calm, and peace.

my weekly descent
into a dark, dank prison cell
with no one to talk to
when things don't go well.
no phone calls.
no texting.
no emails, no IM,
only "resting"

this is resting?
this is peace?
more like "go ahead,
hurt yourself please!"

no system of support
to help me deal with the pain,
or at least no system
halachically permissable anyway.

and so, i hurt, sleep and wake
get up and put on a smile so fake
eat a lovely shabbos meal
then back to bed with the pain i feel.

shabbos.
the day i dread all week.
shabbos.
relief from its pain i seek.

vicious cycle

the cycle of pain...

i'm in pain.
my body is reliving pains-
unless the pains are not related
to memories,
but to imagination.
no way to know
which is true.

so i hurt myself.
nothing takes away the pain
the way self-injury does.
i push myself harder and harder
to hurt myself more and more
so the pain should go away...

but it hurts
to hurt myself.
so i stop hurting.
deep breath.
but...
if i'm not hurting myself,
why am i in
such pain?
what is this hurt
that won't go away?
i've got to make it stop...

how?
what can i do to take away
the pain?
well, if i hurt myself,
It can't hurt me.

so i hurt myself.
more than before.
for longer.
and fantasize about
all the other ways
i can hurt myself
and cause myself pain
things i've never done
before.

but causing myself pain...
hurts.
i must stop...

if i stop hurting myself again,
It will come back
and hurt me.
but if i continue to hurt myself
then i'll still be in pain.

i hurt
i stop
It hurts
i hurt
i stop
It hurts
i hurt
i stop
It hurts
i...

It IV

It's hurting me a lot.
i just want it to stop.
tried so hard this shabbos to have a good time
(there were minutes here and there when i felt fine)
but the pain just overtakes me
It continues to hurt me
and once It starts to do Its thing
i'm not stopped by anything
and i hurt.
i hurt me.
and It leaves.
for just a few minutes,
until i stop,
It's gone.

but It comes right back again.

update II

ok, you read my proposal, now here's the final update! "all us sheffelech" is up, and it's for survivors only...anyone who is interested in reading it (it's a by invitation only blog) and posting on it, can email me at littlesheffele@gmail.com and if you fit the criteria, you'll get an invite! can't wait to hear from my fellow survivors!

pleasant surprise

calm
cool
collected
did you think this could be me?
smiling
singing
soaring
for me...this is ULTRA happy!

thank You, Hashem, for helping me through,
i know this wasn't done by me...it's all You.

quick note

just a quick note to tell everyone that i survived part 3. now is the real waiting time. dr. b didn't know when they were going to sit down and meet about me ("could be vee vill meet today, mebee vee vill meet tomorrow, so h vill call you to tell you eezer tomorrow or next veek. eef you vill be in ze stady, you vill come egen probably efter next veek.") so of course, there's no way to know.

but i survived! i really did! and i didn't panic even once...

shower IV

asleep

alone

all alone.
always all alone.
alone...
with my tears
with my fears
with my brain
with my pain

nothing calms me
when i'm alone
starting at
my silent phone

(don't get me wrong
at this hour
i don't really expect calls
i'm just feeling sour!)

music plays soft
i love it, and yet
it grates on my nerves
so long after sunset

6 1/2 hours 'til
morning rising
i'm still up-
not surprising

sleep...that elusive dream...
let me sleep! i wanna scream!

a prayer II

Kind, kind friends
I need your help
Let's pray together
Let's all yelp

My pains too great
Everything's black

Please, God, the One Above
Let me come back
Earth is no place for me
All i see here is tragedy
Someone come take me away
Everything gets harder day by day

GOD, please, they say You understand!
GOD, please, it's getting out of hand!
GOD, please? please?






please?
please?
please?

two ways

there are two ways to know
if i'm feeling really sad
if i think everything is awful,
and scary, sick and bad:
if i get really quiet,
and do not write for days...
or when you see me
the writing crazy way
when life is doing really well,
and everything is fine
you won't catch me at a keyboard
typing out a rhyme
so it should come as no surprise
if you hear i'm locked up, or dead
with all the sick and messed up thoughts
running through my head.


i'm sorry everyone.

(p.s. i'm not making any plans to disappear yet.
just feeling very, very low and hopeless.
i'm trying not to let it come down to death,
but there's no telling how (un)successful i'll be)

go away

feet in a pretzel
i sit on my heel
trying to get rid of
the pain i feel

i open my mouth
the order i say
telling the pain
"Go Away!"

why should it listen
to little old me?
just cuz this
is my body?

my hand grips the mattress
i try hard to breathe
but the pain just goes further,
deeper underneath.

Go Away Pain!
Get Out Of Here!
why don't you **** off?
Just disappear!

i can't any longer
it's getting too hard
the pain in my body
my mind, and my heart

enough with you!
good riddance! goodbye!
(why doesn't this work
however hard i try?)

nerves III

i don't wanna go
to the institute tomorrow
wanna lie down in my bed
curled up under my covers instead

not that anyone is really giving me a choice.
why can't i just listen to my shaking inner voice?
it's telling me to run away, to hide,
fears exploding from deep inside
what can they really do for me?
NOTHING! NOTHING! don't they see?!
don't they see the pain exploding?
don't they see my brain's imploding?
no longer can i take the pain
driving me so mad, insane
head is spinning, keeps on whirling,
round and round my thoughts are swirling
heart says "bite!"
brain says "fight!
ignore those urges with all your might!"
images appear in flashes
this is me before all crashes
in the morning will i wake?
put on a smile, bright and fake?
or will i refuse to rise,
till mother threatens, "otherwise..."

i know what i need right this second. and there's no way i'm gonna be able to get it. not while i'm holed up in my house, away from...everyone.
and so, i'm stuck. i will continue to suffer...alone.

mumbai

i'm a little slow at getting to it, i know.
that's cuz i'm a little nervous to post about it.
so i only intend to leave this up for 24 hours.
get your comments in...fast!

mumbai hit a little close to home. i know relatives of one of those killed, and let's just say they were taking it more than a little hard. my family was getting practically a minute by minute update on what was going on. somber...doesn't begin to describe the mood, the atmosphere.

and then...there's little sheep. i'm about to shatter any perception you may have of me (if there are any readers left who have such a perception anyhow) as a stable minded, intelligent, strong individual.

little sheep stares at her ceiling and says "wow. they're so lucky. off to a better place...a better world. they have no questions. they see why this is good. they don't need to worry about where the next blow will come from. they're so lucky...why don't these things happen to me?"

so now you have it folks.
headline news.
"Little Sheep Finds Something New To Be Jealous Of! Victims Of Terror In Mumbai!"
and you all tell me i'm strong, courageous, and loveable?

yelling at me is fine. just don't yell too loud. you might wake up the dead!

well, i'm not so scared anymore...
thanks everyone. maybe i will keep this up...(shef i and aba/ema of 4...extra thanks to you!!!!)

not now...please...not now!

beyond triggered.
a whole speech about marriage.
why am i here?
the thoughts going through my head...
it's definitely a "where's the log off button on my brain?" moment.

it's hurting a lot.
ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurts...
it hurts everywhere....my whole body! make it go away...
please...

i don't want to hear this.
not now.
i don't want to hear about yaakov spending 14 years in shem ve'ever...on torah marriage classes.
i don't want to hear about how yaakov hadn't yet fulfilled the mitzvah of p'ru u'revu.
i don't want to hear about how many hours of kallah classes is considered a lot.
not now.
maybe in a few years.
but...but...not now!

it's hurting!
take me away!

my body is going haywire. i can't deal with the pain!
i thinkn i really need to read "recreating yourself" and teach myself how to consciously dissociate. cuz i can't stay here anymore.

no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no

don't talk to me about yaakov meeting rochel. NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!
i don't want to hear this! NOT NOW! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
PLEASE NO! NOT NOW! I CAN'T HEAR THIS! NOT NOW! please...please...please take me away. please...please...please stop. i can't listen. no more. i'm gonna focus only on my writing. what should i write about? i can't even think about anything but what's going on around me. my brain is such a mush i can't focus.

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

i will not let myself panic. they're just words. i will not let myself panic. they're just words. i will not let myself panic. they're just words. i will not let myself panic. they're just words. i will not let myself panic. they're just words.

for goodness sakes! he's talking about something that happened more than 3000 years ago! why is it affecting me so much?!

STOP! PLEASE STOP!

why now rabbi? why now?

remind me next week. maybe i shouldn't come.

the real me

sometimes i wonder-
which is the real me?
is it the me who
laughs with you so normally?
or is it the me
who lies in bed staring
and wondering when
it'll finally be morning?
is it the me who
talks about futures full of hope?
or is it the me who
tries to breathe...but chokes?

really, they're all me, but none are me.
when i laugh with you...the pain leaves. for just a few seconds. but when the joke's over, the laughters gone. i remember once in high school, one of my friends got annoyed at me, sat down right next to me and started straight into my eyes. (don't try this at home...) "smile!" she ordered. somehow, for a few short lived seconds, i saw the humor in it, and i did smile. but i also remember the choked back sob when the smile faded and she said "don't stop!" but it was too late-the smile was gone...

the physical sun rises and sets daily, and yet, every night (see what time i'm writing this?) i lie in bed and stare at all my inspirational signs and posters (which don't seem to be doing their jobs...) and wonder, will my morning ever come?

hope? what's that?

and breathing...i try that all the time. i'm not usually very successful at relaxed breathing

so really, if you think about it, who is the real me?