goals III

~stay alive

have a great week everyone.

messing up

i wanted so badly
to make it to five days
but i guess i didn't want it
badly enough

goals II

~beat my record on my counter (2 days, 12 hours, 44 minutes)

~go out at least 4 times

~eat (maybe one day i'll be able to take this off...)

~postive post on friday

~um...three showers? (am i pushing it?)

~in bed before one every day

"call me"

we met up again recently. i hadn't seen you in a while. you wanted to know how i was. i couldn't tell you in such a public place, you said "call me."

such an easy answer. "call me."

do you know what it takes for me to pick up the phone to call someone these days? it's not easy anymore!

so when i listen, i make the effort...

why don't you pick up? or, at the very least...return my call?

remember, i'm almost always here. right where you left me, the last time we spoke. months ago. i still want to talk to you.

so maybe, you should "call me."

i knew it...

i knew i shouldn't have listened. i knew i shouldn't have taken that shower.

:(

2 days
12 hours
44 minutes

and i messed up.

pressure cooker

here i am
sitting
and
trying
not
to
hurt
the
pressure
builds
and
builds
push
myself
harder
longer
more
more
pushing
pushing
harder
longer
more
time
i won't
i won't
i won't
will
not
hurt
won't
won't
promise?
don't!
pressure
builds
more
can't
handle
this
does
it
ever
end?
more
pressure
building
up
pretty
soon
i'm
gonna

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----____________POP___________________----
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good things over this past week II:

~was able to manage (most of) my goals

~had a great time with my friend at the boardwalk. didn't even freak out when she left me alone with the kids while she ran into a store.

~relative got engaged. managed the vort without too much pain.

~as of right now, still holding out on SI. current time: 2 days, 11 hours, 4 minutes

do you know........

do you know what it feels like
to feel someone's hand in your underwear
when no one is there?

do you know what it feels like
to know that the only way to get the pain to stop
is to touch yourself, wherever the pain may be
and know that you are bound to hurt yourself in the process?

do you know what it feels like
to not know if the pain will ever end?
if things will ever get better, ever improve?

do you know what it feels like...

to be me?

things i tell you....

i ask you not to care about me, because it hurts.
i really mean, don't say you care.

i tell you to leave me alone, because i'm afraid you will, and if i tell you to, i don't feel abandoned.
really, i'm scared to be alone, and i want you there.

i ask you if you're busy, and when you say you are, i just give a pat answer.
really, i need you and i'm too scared to ask, cause then i'll feel like a bother.

i push you away, because i don't know another way.
really, i want you. i need you.

walk from grandfather's house

we leave grandfather's apartment
dollar tucked safe in my pocket
walking home, just me and him
i start cursing, in a game chanting

i don't know the meaning
of the words that i am saying
just repeating, sounds from cars
passing by, near and far

but he, my holy brother
takes upon to be my teacher
the one to tell me that we yidden
never use the words i'm chanting

he-the one who at night...
comes to have a "tickle fight"
the one who'd teach me wrong from right.

how ironic.

conversation

brain is
buzzing
whirling
swirling

thoughts are
swimming
dancing
twirling

people talk
i don't hear em
cannot answer
talk to them

words to say
mumble
jumble
across my lips

do you hear me?
i don't know
can you please?
wah?

your voice comes across
as incessant buzzing
because i can't clear my mind
enough to hear you

i'm sorry.

goals

this weeks goals:

~not to reset my counter every morning

~get out of the house at least three times

~eat

~positive post on friday

~two showers

early morning

i sit
in pj's
and
sweatshirt
shivering.

i should
be in
bed
and
under covers
sleeping.

i'm not
because again
i'm
scared
of the nightmares
coming.

because they will.
they always do.
and so
i sit...

so much i want to say

there's so much i want to say,
so much i want to get across to you.
so many things floating,
my mind they're passing through.

words sit on the tip of my tongue,
just waiting to escape,
to tell you how i really feel
to give my mind a break.

i cannot get the words out though,
so they'll just stay inside,
i'll crawl right back within myself,
and let myself just hide.

another ?

why
do i
always
mess
up?

good things over this past week:

i decided today, that my post don't call the psychiatrist yet is all fluff and no action, and that i need to actually do something about it. (see rebbetzen? i do sometimes act like i wanna get better...) this is an attempt to fulfill the line

"today, i want to kill the pessimist inside of me,
instead, i want to replace it with the optomist i can be."

well, here goes:

~had shef over for shabbos! thanks shef!

~walked to a friend shabbos afternoon, and had a great time (mostly)! thanks friend!

~had a short four hour job on wednesday, that went really well.

~visited a friend at work wednesday afternoon. thanks other friend!

~slept in the car on the way to therapy and read a book til i was nauseas on the way back, and thus avoided any undesirable sightings.

~had another short job today, and didn't freak out on the way home when it was just me and the bus driver left on the bus!

~managed to get in two showers this week! (we won't mention how the showers went. just that they happened, and i haven' t gotten more than one shower in a week in a long time)

stay tuned for part two, next friday! (and if i forget, i really do deserve a yelling.)

dirty

i need to take a shower. if i'm going to keep going out on one day jobs here and there, i have to be clean. so i tell my friend. don't worry, she says. i'll stay with you. i get undressed. don't look. don't look. i'm not looking, don't worry. my hair is dirty. i think it's been two weeks since i washed it. eeww. next thing i know, i'm looking at my body in the shower. my eyes sting from soap. my hands look like raisins they're so waterlogged. that's silly. i haven't been in the shower so long. my hair is wet. there's hair everywhere. on the walls of the shower. so i must have washed it. i can't stay in here anymore. i try to tell my friend that i can't anymore. that it's too hard. but she can't hear me. i think i'm talking loudly. why can't she hair? my eyes sting. i pour soap all over my hand. more soap, more soap, more soap! the soap overflows to the floor. i use it to was my arms. but most of the soap lands in the tub not on me. next thing i know, i'm sitting on the edge of the tub with my phone by my ear. trying to talk. but the words in my head don't reach my lips. are you done? she asks. she can't hear me talk. i put on pajamas and go back to my room. i'm still dirty. can't be that i'm clean cause i didn't wash myself.

how many

how many times can one person mess up
without giving up?
how many times can one person hurt
without believing they deserve to hurt?
how many times can one person say they believe they'll get better
without really believing that they will?
how many different things can one person try
before realizing that nothing really works?
how many people does it take
to change the mind of one messed up soul?

popping pills

popping....pills....makes me....ill....keep 'em on my....windowsill....take them nightly....against my will....yet i continue....to pop 'em still....hope that soon....my bloodstream fills....with enough....meds to kill....or to give me....a happy thrill....which wish do you....think He'll fulfill....?

?

am i so dense
that i cannot see
what everyone else
sees in me?

am i so stupid
cuz i don't know
how all this work
will help me grow?

am i so dumb
that i keep
staying awake
when i should sleep?

i'm not sure what i'm trying to say here. which is why it makes no sense. cuz if i don't know what i'm trying to say, why would anyone else? whatever.

so tired

so tired of being dependent on other people.

feeling dirty and smelly?
call for help.
feeling exhausted and sleepy?
call for help.
feel like fresh air, a short walk?
call for help.

when will i be able to
do things for myself?

psychiatrist visit

zone out. don't pay attention.
shut your brain off. and did i mention
ignore what's around you. close your mind.
leave all thoughts of life behind.
i'm off to the psychiatrist and don't know what to say,
so why am i going anyway?

that was written on my way to the psychiatrist. the results of the visit:
i'm doing better than i was two weeks ago, and i got a new prescription.
yay! i love popping pills! let's add a bottle to the collection! (ouch. rolling my eyes gives me a headache.)

failure

you are reading the blog of a failure.
i'm really, really serious when i write this.
why are you still reading?
what enjoyment does anyone get from reading about how i can't manage to be normal?
why would anyone want to keep reading about every stupid failure?

i messed up. again.

remind me why anyone is reading this?

sorry.

:-(

feeling really down about myself today. like i can't do anything right. what's wrong with me?????? i messed up again. spent a good (bad. whatever) forty five minutes hurting myself in various ways this afternoon.

you would think that i'd be pretty much feeling ok right now. i did my homework for therapy by being social (thanks shef i & co!!) and accepting a subbing job, even though i'm freaking out about it. i went the whole shabbos without hurting myself even once, which usually only happens on rare occasions. i got out of the house last night, and i'm getting out again tonight. so why do i feel so...yucky?

talk

on the blog parasites of the mind the author michelle rosenthal gives a list of PTSD healing resolutions. february's resolution is I WILL TALK. so, this post, and the comments section, will be how i am fulfilling this resolution.

so far, i've been emailing a rabbi who emailed me in reference to my blog, and a therapist he recommended. i guess that qualifies as talking...right? more to come, when i do it, i think. i'm also trying to reach out more in general, so if you hear from me (in text, IM, email or-big shocker here-by phone) this is why...hope it helps me!

dear God

dear God, please
won't You help me?
shut my brain?
stop the pain?
it's hurting from the things i've seen
sights that never should've been
the pictures do not seem to leave
in and out and in they weave
out and in they come and go
things i do not want to know...
so please God! shut it off
please get rid of all this stuff!

don't call the psychiatrist yet.

i want to kill myself.
but don't call the psychiatrist yet.
today, i want to kill the part of me that is stubborn, refusing the help i need.
instead, i want to replace it with a new stubbornness-refusing to give up on myself.
today, i want to kill the part of me that is hurting myself, using every method it can.
instead, i want to replace it with a nurturing part-to take care of me, and give me the love i deserve.
today, i want to kill the pessimist inside of me,
instead, i want to replace it with the optomist i can be.
today, i want to kill the part of me that is pushing you away,
instead, i want to replace it with the part that is begging for a hug.
today, i want to kill the part of me that won't,
instead, i want to replace it with a part that will.

today is almost over, but maybe...
maybe tomorrow, i will.

i want to kill myself.
but don't call the psychiatrist yet.

i wish

this poem is for all my sheffelech friends, those who say they belong, and those who say they Don't.

i wish...
i wish i could make the pain go away
not tomorrow, but yesterday.
i wish...
i wish you wouldn't know of all
these sorrows, big and small.
i wish...
i wish i had the words to tell you
how much i care for what you go through.
i wish...
i wish...
i wish...

too early

waking up
when i want to be asleep
pills i take
are supposed to keep
me from
waking too early
so why
am i up, at six thirty?