deep breath...ok...i can post this...

(i never showed this one to anyone. not even my closest friends. a little-well, more than a little-scared to post this...little sheep scrunches up eyes real tight, then realises she can't possibly read what she's going to type with her eyes closed...)

blank mind, version II (original date of this version: 08/09/08)

i'm lying on my mother's bed.
staring straight at the ceiling.
no one's around but me and him-
they must all be out, or sleeping.
still don't know what i am wearing
or why i was there of all places
and i can't think of why there is background noise-
maybe one of my other siblings is awake in another room?
he wants to try something.
i don't know what.
he's on top of my and i'm in pain.
i know i'm screaming
but i don't know where the pain is.
his face is very red.
i don't know if it's significant or not
cuz everything about him is.
red i mean.

i'm no less scared after typing this than i was before. in fact, i think i'm even more scared now. this crazy thought just popped into my head that there was someone else in the room.

it can't be true. IT CAN'T!

will you?

if i haven't showered in a long time

and i really smell bad,

but i come to you for a hug-

will you still hug me?

if It haunts me so much

that the only way to stop It

is to hurt myself so bad that i bleed-

will you take care of me?

if i fall so low and crash so hard

that i can't be allowed to stay home,

and my doctor locks me away in the psych ward-

will you come visit me?

if i call you crying for the millionth time

about the same thing, again,

and i won't listen to what you're saying-

will you still listen to me?

if i stop hating only him,

and what he did and caused within me,

and start hating you and all those around me-

will you still love me?

if i lose all hope that i can ever change

all faith that things can ever improve,

and this last tiny spark within me dies-

will you still believe in me?

will you?

OW

Only someone like me
When presented with an

Interesting speech sits
Moaning

In pain. physical pain.
Not that no one else here can be in

Pain, but
All the others probably have something physical causing
It. the physical pain i mean. but
Not i.

why II

sitting at a speech
he's not talking
about anything
triggering
so why
am i
so covered in spiders
in so much pain
shivering
why?
why?

His Hand

Vayehi erev
________vayehi boker
_________________yom echad. (Bereishis 1:5)

the night
______the day
__________they're both from
the same Source.

it's all from Him.

but why is it
so hard
to see
His Hand?

when i look
for something
for a long time,
and then,
suddenly
i find it,
in the first
place i had looked,
then,
i see
His Hand,
so clearly.

but
i want
to see His Hand.

to see His Hand
in everything.

in my pain
in my happiness
in my falls
and when i get up again.

why don't i see
His Hand
when i know
He's here?