Thursday, April 2, 2009

explosion II

read my first explosion post first for the beginning...

i dial the number with trembling fingers. it's a good thing there's a phone practically in front of my face. i wish it were a cordless though, so i wouldn't have to stay there, right next to the bed. we don't have a cordless phone though.

my mother picks up the phone, and i start crying. at first, she's not too worried. it's not the first time i've called her upset today. earlier, there was a fight about breakfast. so she doesn't worry that i'm upset. i've always carried my bad moods for a long time, so why should today be any different? it doesn't make it good or anything, but it's life. that's why i'm still in therapy, even though the original made up issues that brought me in are long gone. when i tell her that jack was trying to take my shirt off though, i really shock her. she tells me to get out of the house, and run to my cousin CE's house.

i'm crying. he comes back upstairs. the person at the door only had to give him a package. or maybe pick one up. he looks really angry. i'm scared. i hear my mother tell me to put jack on the phone. i can barely choke out the words. "mommy wants to talk to you." and then i run out of the house.

i get to my cousin's house faster than i ever have before. her daughter is a few years older than me. i've already dried my tears. i don't want her to know that i was crying. "hi! i came to visit!" i say cheerfully. she says, "you can only come if you're going to help." i sit down on the couch with mountains of socks. green tip with green tip. white sock with white sock. i don't care. as long as i don't have to see jack.

my mother calls. she wants the details of the story. i'm embarrassed to be talking about this in the kitchen. my cousin has the sense to get her kids out of the way. i tell her the story again. she asks me questions, and i answer. she tells me that i'm going to see my therapist later, she's borrowing someone's office for an emergency session with me. her office is already closed for pesach.

that night we did bedikas chametz. our house was sparkling, my soul, my mind, my body were not.


  1. when was this? i'm not getting this a memory, a flashback, or what???

    please enlighten me...


  2. you're confused cuz you don't read my old stuff. we can discuss this someplace else...we'll chat. God knows i need it...


c'mon, i know you're reading this! what do you think?