Crying

Despite the fact that I said I wouldn't cry about this again, I am. I read another review of Hush. And another. And then some survivor responses.

And so, here I am. Back to posting. I thought I was going to take a break for now, and rethink my life as a blogger. But with this book out, it's not going to happen.

When will the rest of the world see? When will they realize that we are normal? That we are just the same as you, just in pain?

And so I'm crying.

Again.

Sorry...

Sorry I haven't been around much. B"H, life has been really busy! As soon as I get back to my art/writing, I'll be back!

being home

my first few days at home were AWESOME! i'm happy to be back with my therapist. the social worker coming to visit me at home seems pretty ok. and of course, i've been keeping busy with my new therapy project-writing a book! i'm glad i gave up the idea of publishing my poetry and went for an informational book about art instead, it's so much more productive!

to help with my new project...

you can now follow the progress of my book on twitter!

Psych Ward Song

Wake up every morning
Nothing new to see
The sun just might be shining
But it don't shine on me
Vital signs and many groups
Missing food and tasteless soup
ain't that grand, ain't that grand

I lay in bed each night and start to wonder why
I cannnot just go and kiss my tears goodbye
I can keep on crying, they can keep on trying
Hard to understand, understand

But still I've got a hope, that keeps me going til tomorrow
Though I don't know where it's coming from
I know that soon my day will come
I will go home, be on my own
But still I've got a fear, that I am getting no where
Hey you out there just tell me please
When will my heart just be at peace
So I can feel that hope is really there

Cause you're in frozen time and stuck inside in the psych ward
Needing exercise and sleep and meds in the crazy psych ward
We've got to stand up and unite
But shut up and stop the fights

Cause life just ain't that normal when you're stuck on the inside....
Stuck on the inside!

June 21, hospital journal, day 11

journaling about how nervous i was that they would change their minds about sending me home after i fought with the nurse for two nights in a row.
expressing my joy after going to rounds and discovering that they really were sending me home on monday!

June 20, hospital journal, day 10

this page was just a fun way to try out my new twistable colored pencils! (thanks kim!)
acrylic paint on a separate sheet of paper, pasted into my journal. journalling of random thoughts, and today i feel.
not much to say on this zentangle...
i slow journalled about some of the reasons i was worried about going home. would you believe how much slow journalling has grown on me?

June 19, hospital journal, day 9

on this page, i used watercolors to paint the page, then journalled my random thoughts over it, today i feel, and reasons why i'm scared to go home.
this page of slow journalling was to remind me that not only is it normal to be nervous about the changes about to take place, but it's ok to be nervous, and that even though i'm nervous, i'll be ok.

June 18, hospital journal, day 8

for this page, i painted squares with my watercolors, and then then journalled all over it. my journalling included: things i've gained during my stay, how i feel today, and random thoughts about my day.
"You'll find a rainbow, shining at the edge of every cloud...if you just keep on believing, there's a dream that's heading right your way..." (i changed the words of this quote a little bit, to make it fit what i was feeling)

first, i painted a rainbow on a separate sheet of paper. when it was dry, i got permission to use a scissor at the nurses station to cut it up, and then i pasted it randomly over the page, and wrote on it.

Ten Things

Therapeutic Art Activities for Trauma Survivors

Hi everyone!

You probably noticed my current obsession Art Journal". I'm finding it really helpful. I hope you are too!

There's a new twist to the art journal project, and I need your help for it. My therapist gave me a major summer project: to write a book on Therapeutic Art Activities for Trauma Survivors. I can't do it myself though! I need volunteers to try out the projects that I've done so far and give me feedback by email, so i know what to include in my book.

If you can help in any way, whether by trying out my ideas, or coming up with some of your own and passing them on to me, please email me!

Thanks so much,

Little Sheep

june 17, hospital journal, day 7

this phrase came from my friend ER, the first time i was majorly suicidal. it's "impossible" with an apostrophe and a space.
this page is a combination of journaling, today i feel, and as usual, CBT notes.

june 16, hospital journal, day 6

for this page, i painted a separate sheet of paper with acrylics, and when it was dry, tore it up and pasted it randomly on the page. the top was journaling, the bottom was "today i feel"
"laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. i myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. ~kurt vonnegut
"repetion is the key, sing this over and over, you'll feel it finally" ~london girls chior

for this page, i wrote the following affirmations over and over, so i'd start to feel them. then i painted it over with fluorescent watercolors.

"If you think nobody cares, think again."
"I am a good person"
"I'm getting better and better every day, with the help of Yud-Hey-Vav-Hey"
"Hashem gives me everything I need"
"I have potential to get even better"
"I help people"
"People like me"
"Bishvili nivra ha'olam" (the world was created for me)
"Hashem believes in me"
"I have a loving family and friends"
"I've learned that if I try then yes I can"

june 15, hospital journal

this page is, like yesterday's, a combination of regular journaling, CBT notes, and how i feel today.
"Yet one thing gives me comfort, it's all that I have left, I know that God in heaven won't forget" ~Abie Rotenberg, Memories

No matter what happens, how well [or bad] i'm doing, God will not forget my pain and what I went through. What he did will not be forever forgotten"
this page was just a random art page, playing around with my erasable twistables.
i used crayons to write the words here, then painted over it in watercolors.
slow journaling is growing on me...

when i asked this question to my hospital psychiatrist, she said it was cause of my medication changes, and i'd get better. she was right!

June 14, hospital journal, day 4 part three

June 14, hospital journal, day 4 part two

this page was really hard for me to do, but was really helpful. first, I wrote the words "my positive thoughts about men on unit" in puff paint, and waited for it to dry. then i wrote all my negative thoughts about the male staff all over the page, and painted over it, so you can hardly tell the words are there, even if you look really closely. when that was dry, i wrote all my reframes (thanks CBT!) on top. they can't be read in the photo, so here they are:

"they will not hurt me"
"they care"
"they are trained professionals"
"they help keep me safe"
"they are here to help me"
"they have had background checks"
"they would never touch me unless it it's medically necessary"

it helped me deal with having male staff on the unit during the day, but i still struggled a lot with the men doing "checks" at night when i was sleeping...(checks is when every fifteen minutes someone pokes their head in to your room to make sure you're alive, sleeping, and not in any trouble)

June 14, hospital journal, day 4 part one

this page consists of a few parts. a little bit of journaling, notes from my CBT class, and "today I feel" at the bottom. i painted over it in watercolors.

June 13, hospital journal, day 3

words on the top one:

Today I had a pretty good day. Not that it's over yet...I woke up with a headache, but taking a nap helped. ER called today, and we had a nice talk. It's been a while since I spoke to her. My parents came to visit, and they brought along some art supplies, so my journal can get exciting again. Then, I took a shower, and washed my hair, even though I didn't really want to, just because taking care of my body is one of my goals. I'm pretty tired and hungry, but overall, my mood is good. I'm even considering making one of my goals to get used to being around guys. If I do make it one of my goals, (with therapist's permission) then I'll try and switch to a different unit. I'm scared but I think it might be good for me.

June 12, hospital journal day 2

sorry, no post for day one, i didn't journal that day. i was too overwhelmed.

i'm back!

thanks everyone for your comments, i will reply to all of them as soon as i can. i'm feeling much better, and glad i went in, because it really helped me a lot.

question: should i backdate my journal pages, or post them with the dates as the post titles?

Message From Little Sheep

Hi,

It's Little Sheep's friend. She asked me to tell you that she is in the hospital, but hoping to be back and better soon. I will try to keep you updated.

i'm sorry

writing the words again down here, cuz you can't see them clearly in either picture i took.

"dear friend,
I'm sorry...
for turning to you...
for not coming to you...
for hurting you...
for scaring you...
for worrying you...
I'm sorry for who I am, and for not working hard enough to change

I'm sorry...

love,
me"

depression

made this on scratch off paper. whatever.

why?

no, you're not supposed to be able to read the words...

slow journaling

i don't think slow journaling is for me, but i might try it again...this is what came out. i'm so frustrated with myself and my process right now...

Cover Page

this is the cover page for my journal! i also started painting the inside cover, but it's not done yet, so you'll have to wait and see...

Check Out My New Features!

to make reading my blog easier, i made separate pages on my blog instead of some of the sidebar features. click on about me for a short summary, and on resources for a list of books and websites! more pages to come! suggestions welcome!

him (warning: may be triggering to survivors!)

watercolors. i'm so sick just thinking of this, i'll probably take it down, and destroy the paper copy soon, if i have the guts to...would you believe it takes more guts for me to destroy my artwork than it does to post it here?

guess the emotion 2

guess the emotion! (if you spoke to me tonight, you can guess it pretty easily. i won't post your comment with the right answer if you did, until after other people get a chance!)

letting go

today i had fun playing around with my new watercolors! i just let go, and let myself do whatever my brush told me to...and this is what came out. thanks shef for encouraging me!

new art supplies!

i went shopping today with shef for new art supplies! i can't wait to try them out...here's what i got:

a full rainbow of poster paints, watercolors, brushes, and glass/ceramics paint

3D foam stickers, for putting words on pages

my new container, for the supplies i use the most

me

i used puff paints for this page. it's not really done yet, but i decided to post it as is. i'm not sure what to do with the last square...

top row: L-R: after surviving, seeing him, triggered
second row: L-R: with parents, around guys, art heaven
third row: <3 kids, the future, my past
bottom row: peaceful/safe/content, this week

survived

i used random paints i found in my puff paint box for this page. i didn't even know i had them! i wrote the words with puff paint. it didn't come out quite the way i envisioned it, but i tried to go with instinct, and this is what came out...

Fear II

this page was fun to do! the Creative Every Day theme this month is "intuition", which i used for the colored part of it. first, i took glue and squiggled it without thinking on a piece of cardboard. once it dried, i placed it under my page and using random colors, i colored over it, to give my page a textured look. i then used black puff paint to outline the different colors, and to write two quotes about fear, and my thoughts about them.

"we should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hope" ~John F. Kennedy

i'll be seeing "him" tomorrow. in fact, because we'll be taking family portraits, with all my siblings, in laws, nieces, and nephews, i'll even be in the same room as him for quite some time. i hope to enjoy the family get together, even with him there.

"try a thing you haven't done three times. once to get over the fear of doing it. twice to learn how to do it. and a third time to figure out if you like it or not." ~virgil thomson

maybe i'll be able to learn to really let myself go and enjoy myself, even if he is nearby...maybe...

The Gifts I've Been Given

i used wrapping paper, crayola crayons, and ribbon for this page! thanks itsagift for the inspiration!

Happy is the Heart That

i used elmer's glue mixed with watercolors for this project. thanks to my friend rebbetzin for the prompt! (it's not really finished, but i loved the way this part came out, and decided to post it as-is)

Foot In Mouth

this page was inspired by the book "Art Therapy Activities" by Pamela J. Stack. The activity is called "Foot In Mouth Faces"...

Guess The Emotion

this page in my art journal was inspired by SD. (You'd be glad to know SD, that i then found your idea in my new art therapy book...) i'm not telling you what the emotion is, but i drew an emotion. your job is to guess which emotion i drew...good luck!

I am a....

thanks once again to my friend "rebbetzin" for the idea! i'd like to thank the blogger who had the quote on his/her blog too, but i can't seem to find the right blog anymore, nor do i remember the blogger's name! if you know who it is, please let me know so i can fix this post...

Who Were You? Are You? WIll You Be?

for this page, i used crayola erasable twistables for the background, then erased lines to write on. the text on the first two lines refers to what i was then...when i was abused, and the first ten years following. the next two lines are about what i'm like now. the fifth line refers to the future, and the last line is a quote from Rabbi Label Lam, from a speech he said at the Ohr Naava Shabbaton...i believe last year.

Fear

for this page, i used black paper and Crayola GelFX colored pencils to journal about my fears...