one month

yesterday was my ONE MONTH MARK in my no SI campaign! i went a whole month! :-)
on the no picking side, i'm at ONE WEEK, TWO DAYS :-)

any ideas how to celebrate?

positive post VIII

this week i...

~remembered modeh ani (6)

~remembered meds on my own (6 night, 6 morn)

~visited two friends on shabbos

~remembered shema (6)

~completed my 27th day SI free, and my 6th day free of skin/scalp picking

~talked to dr. a. l. on the phone without freaking out

~went shopping with my mother

~kept my room neat

~two showers

~made challah (2)

~went walking with my father (1)

~went for therapy twice

~volunteered twice

~visited a friend 3 times, had friends over twice

~got a manicure without freaking out

jack's new daughter

a new life
brought into this world
happiness
joy
for everyone
but
me

confusion

tired
cranky
upset
ok
restless
awake
shaky
quivering
mixed up
sleepy
achy

confused

note to readers

for those of you who know me in real life, please do not give out my phone number! i don't know who did, and i don't want to know. if someone needs to contact me, that's what my email address is for!

still...one day

i try
and yet i
don't know why

still
i will
upon myself ill.

still want to hurt
still want the pain
still refuse to see
that i've gained.

one day...
one day...
i'll get there, you'll see.
one day...
one day...
i'll be proud of me.

the pain

the pain
will go
away
someday
at least
that is
what they say.

i will
appreciate
the pain
when i'm
old
at least
that is
what i'm told.

one day
i'll see the
hope in
the pain
of these words
at least
that is
what i've heard.

positive post VII

this week i...

~said modeh ani every day

~remembered my meds both times every day

~got my hair done and a manicure, no freaking out

~had a friend for shabbos

~went to therapy twice

~had two meals 4 days, 3 meals one day

~visited with two friends on three days, one friend on one day

~completed 21 days and counting of NO SI!

~went to two shiurim

~subbed

~said shema (5 days)

~completed 9 days of no picking, starting over today

~did laundry

~shopped with my mother

~cooked and cleaned

i want....

i want to vomit all this stuff
remove it from my head, heart, body
i guess this is sort of a written
prayer to God, since i can't seem
to actually pray

save me. please save me. hte
pain, the images
physical sensations
just make them
go away
far, far away.
God, help me
please.
please.
please.
PLEASE!

thank you

since i complained about it in public, i'm going to give the thanks in public too. this week, the yated published a letter, signed by "aba" (thanks aba!) that included my support website for girls, amongst other places to get support. thank you so much!

why am i...do i...?

why am i
so triggered
so messed up
so hurt?

why do i
feel touch that's not there
feel like hurting myself
feel so dirty?

oh right.
i'm a survivor.

baseless fear

heart is racing
mind is spacing
lots of feelings
send me reeling
don't know why
want to cry
heart is thumping
mind is jumping
hands keep shaking
why's it taking
so much time
for calmness to find

my heart and mind?

somebody

somebody
nobody
touching me
hurting me
make it stop
go away
it's not real
this is fake
you're not helping
you have to realize
this is not
what's happening now
go away
go away
go away
go away!

top ten reasons i'm glad i'm home

1. my door locks

2. i can control the temperature of the water in my sink and shower

3. the psych ward went psychotic the night i left

4. phone. texting, and internet

5. no shadow, freedom of movement

6. yummy food

7. friends and family

8. air and space

9. my own therapist

10. shabbos

goals VI

this week i will...

~spend at least two hours every morning out of the house

~have two therapy sessions

~remember my meds

~say modeh ani every day

~eat at least two meals every day

~put a positive post up on friday

~keep up the no SI and no picking, and continue to break all previous records

may 10-poem

"i'm a dirty, horrible girl," said she
sounding exactly like...me
i must try to stop labeling myself
it doesn't do anything to help.

Day 11-May 10

really tired again. day went ok. my parents and brother came to visit. nothing much happened. had some nice conversations, watched part of two movies. exhausted, going to bed. hope i really get to leave tomorrow!

Day 10-May 9

friday night was ok. woke up too early cuz of incident in the morning. anxious all day. not much to say. played bananagrams, read magazines, sang a little. now going to bed.

Day 9-May 8

had a good night sleep. spoke to CT this morning. found out that i'm not gonna go on the prozac once a week pill, which doesn't make me very happy.

missed group this morning talking to eve, the SW. couldn't finish my lunch. just woke up from a nap, now is CBT group.

family meeting went well. should be home on monday. hard rest of the day cuz of incident on the ward.

Day 8-May 7

i'm so exhausted, i dunno what to do with myself. my roommate got off status this morning. the psychiatrist wants me to do DBT when i get out of here. i don't want to. started on abilify this morning, and it put me in a fog for most of the day. went to goals group in the morning. my door jammed on me right before lunch, so that i was trapped for a few minutes, until someone heard me banging. CBT group wasn't so helpful today, and i slept through medication management and self help.

feeling very out of it still. wrote a letter to mrs. s. ate supper. went to wrap up. spoke to dr. a. l. [see, i'm getting there. one day your whole name will be on...] and e. v. and my therapist. *me* came to visit, had a nice time. went to wrap up. now waiting for meds and then i'm gonna go to bed. no energy. tired.

Day 7-Drawing

Day 7-May 6

finally had a good night sleep! already got a speech about keeping calm, cool and collected in rounds. i'm not getting my hopes up though. prepared a piece of gum to chew in there, and i keep reminding myself to stay calm. rounds don't start for another half an hour though, and i'm probably not first.

I'M OFF!!!

it's so cool to feel free!! i'm concentrating better in group. i filled out a goals sheet for the first time today. eating lunch in the dining room was better too. i'm feeling so much better and ready to work on my issues.

had a pretty good afternoon. joined most of the groups, did a pen doodle/drawing to get out the shower fear, then i made a list of steps to taking a shower and...
I DID IT!! i'm at the top of the world!

Day 6-poem

trapped
stuck
watching eyes
keeping me
locked
inside
taking in
every
move
as i eat
wash
and snooze
staring
as i live
each day
while i
wish they'd
go away.

Day 6-May 5

woke up early again. the person sitting with me now is someone i never met before, so she doesn't know that everyone's been giving me space, so she's paying too much attention to me. i don't want t say anything though cuz i don't want to mess things up for myself at rounds later. i'm bored out of my box now, cuz it's too early for breakfast, the phones aren't on yet, yoga isn't til later, i've already washed my face, brushed my teeth and hair, and gotten dressed. result? an hour of free time with nothing to do. i'm getting that really trapped feeling again, she's staring at my back. for goodness sakes lady, my grimy hair is not that interesting! i am not trapped, i am not trapped, i am not trapped, i am not trapped, i am not trapped, i am not trapped...this one insisted that the bathroom door stay wide open when i went in to get dressed, so guess who didn't use the bathroom this morning? breakfast seems to be running late today, and i have nothing to say. i'm just writing to keep myself busy so i don't strangle the sitter. i'm itching to write a poem, but again, i can't think of what to say. i think all my creativity has been sapped out of me since i got here...no artwork, no poems...

something new for breakfast, and even worse than a rubber omelette-french toast, tasteless. i have a huge stomach ache, and i'm STILL being followed. it's like they're waiting for me to snap...explode...go crazy...from being followed, so that they can say, "see, you're NOT ready to go off status!" and keep me on for another five days.

they changed the dose of my meds without telling me first. i'm getting madder and madder at them. if i hadn't take it, they would have written that i refused, and that i'm not cooperating, but i'm not comfortable with taking meds that haven't been explained to me! there was no announcement for yoga, so i guess there isn't any today.

they didn't take me off status. i can't deal with this anymore. i'm tense and stressed, i feel disgustingly dirty, and i need to get out of here. i'm putting in the effort, and they're not. they don't hear a word i say. i asked that i be told when they make changes, and they said "well, we can't always tell you everything, this is inpatient and you have to do what we say" not in those exact words, but something like that. i have no say in anything! they did give me permission to have my mother wash my hair though.

from what i see, the issue is the stinkin psychiatrist. i just spoke to someone who was sitting with me, and with the patient care manager, and they both think i should be off, so it's just the psychiatrist.

missed yoga (they did have it) cuz i was talking to a mental health worker. went to goals group, but didn't participate. then went to a stress management group. now i'm waiting for lunch. i feel like i have a huge stone pressing down on my chest. i need to actually use all the stuff i just learned, except that i didn't really learn much that i can do here in the hospital, except breathing and writing, which aren't really working right now.

finally spoke to the dietician. i hope it helps with the food issues. CBT group was interestingly weird today. i'm gonna try to fill out the sheet and see if it helps with the emotions around the status issue. the men are all sitting around making fun of my female only status-whatever.


talked out my status issue again with nicole, who was sitting with me. i'm calmer now. rabbi klein came to talk to me as well, he's the third pastoral care rabbi to come. it was worth it just to give out the website to someone who knows more girls. now i'm at relaxation group, not really relaxing though. still, it looks good to have my name on the sign in sheet.

social worker just came to talk to me. i can't get off status cuz i'm "not stable" whatever that means. based on the person who just got put on status and is now my roommate-never show emotion. hospital+emotion+status.

i just lost my folder and my notebook, which is BAD, BAD, BAD-my notebook has my one and only poem from the hospital adn my one and only piece of artwork.

found my stuff, they just ended up in the wrong room with all the switching. had a really nice visit with my parents-MY HAIR IS CLEAN!!-then went to wrap up group. now i'm hanging around waiting for snack.

got back my teddy bear!! WOOHOO!! things are finally looking up...

Day 5-May 4

Woke up crazy early today. I really appreciate my clothes now that they're easily accessible again. Was sitting around since my rubber omelet this morning, talking and stuff. Still didn't meet with the team yet, so I don't know if I'm on status anymore or not, but the person sitting with me isn't as on top of me. I think the staff doesn't really think I need it anymore, they just can't take me off without the p.doc and the social worker. All this waiting around is making me nuts. I shoulda joined yoga, but I'm too nervous.

Finally met with the team. I took A's advice and turned the chair to face the pdoc and pretended no one else was there, even though the social worker and two students and the status sitter and the other person was there. I think I explained myself well. I kept the I-don't-knows to a minimum. I asked bout my hair and about going off status. Pdoc said the team had to discuss it first, and they'd get back to me. From there I went to goals group, and I forced myself to say that my goal was not to shut myself in, to be social and not to keep going back to my room. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if goals group or rounds came first. Think goals. Whatever.

Then was skills group. About assertiveness. I participated. Yay me! And I even took some notes. Now I finished lunch, and I'm still sitting around like an idiot, cause everyone didn't come out yet.

2:00- I don't think the CBT groups are gonna be helpful for me. If I really work on it one-on-one with my therapist it might work, but I zone out too much in a big group. They STILL didn't tell me anything about my hair or status, and the dietitian didn't come by yet. I feel so freakin trapped already. I just asked the status person when I'm gonna find out, and she said they woulda said I was off by now if they were taking me off. I don't know what I'm supposed to do differently to get off. Everyone was so sure I was gonna come off today. And the staff keeps saying they didn't get it, I seem fine.

2:45- finally found the person to talk to about my teddy bear. She's gonna check for me if she can get it today and if not she'll get it in the morning. Best part- she PROMISED to give me an update when she has an answer. And the person sitting with me- the one i hated in the beginning-is turning out to be very nice. she said she's gonna help with the hair issue, and that if i'm not off status tomorrow then when she gets back on wednesday , we're gonna go to war!! WOOHOO!!

just read the CBT workbook for today. i figured out from from it (sorta) why i have so much trouble identifying WHY i'm feeling the way i do. my thoughts leading to the emotions aren't really word thoughts, they're fleeting sounds/images/smells that i don't always remember after. i dunno how to express them properly.

i'm exhausted!! and It is here. i gotta figure out how to get rid of It without keeping myself on status. can't think of anything though. AAARRGGH!! status sitter is falling asleep. i crack up when that happens. it's a good thing i already decided not to hurt myself right now, cuz she's not watching. ooh...she just woke up and walked off. hahahahahahaha

self help group is weird. but i went anyway, cuz it looks good on my chart. basically it's to do worksheets practicing the CBT skills discussed in group in the morning. but you can do almost anything really. i tried doing a drawing a few times, but it's hard without a pencil, and the chalk/charcoal doesn't work for me really.

thank God for bikur cholim sandwiches!! i can't believe i've been ignoring them all this time...status sitter says i'm probably getting off in the morning, and that the patient care manager says it's ok for my mother to wash my hair. i forgot to ask her to check if it was entered into my chart so that we don't have to argue about it again. i'm gonna have to ask her...

had a great visit with *me* and then i got to talk to rebetzin for an hour which was really cool (rebetzin, you're A LOT cooler than me!! thanks!) then i ate my snack from *me* (yum) now i'm exhausted, but i'm forcing myself to stay awake til curfew, so maybe i won't wake up at six again.

i just did one of the hardest things i've done in a really long time. i told my mother where my pill stash is, and asked her to get rid of it. i'm trying not to regret it.

Day 4-May 3

I'm really moving along right now. The day started out like the others. Didn't sleep well, rubbery omlette for breakfast.
Spent the begining of the morning lying around, not doing much. But the girl on status, stephania, pronounced stephanie, was really nice and we talked a lot. I hardly even noticed when it was lunch time. That really opened me up to get more into things. After lunch, I talked to her more until mommy came. Then tatty and A came in, and mommy and shef went to look for stuff. Later, when they came back, the nurse gave me most of my stuff. A and ta left while I was eating supper, and then shef and ma came back again until they were kicked out. After I walked them out, I asked my status person if I could sit in the living room. I was there with B and E and L till snack, when I finally remembered to ask for my cookies. Then we sat and talked and sang at the piano, (B plays) till I got a phone call, and now it's curfew. I hope I get off status in the morning, so I can take a shower normally. I have enough issues with showering without the door being open to the status person!

positive post VI

this week i...

~got out of the psych ward

~completed 14 days SI free

~remembered modeh ani almost every day

~went to a family simcha

~remembered my meds on my own

~communicated well with my psychiatrist

~visited EV (3X)

~had two friends over (thanks A, thanks EG :-)

~went out with my friends (2X, thanks A & L)

~went to a shiur

~didn't freak out when i got my hair done, or when i got a manicure

~went to talk to my teacher

~went out to lunch with my mother

~made a decision to stop picking my skin, scalp and cuticles, and completed three days (and counting!) of no picking

letter

i'm going to go off topic for a minute here. my friend, who goes by the name "getting stronger," wrote this letter to the yated. it didn't get in this week, but there's still hope for next time! i'm posting it because she makes a lot of very good points. happy reading!

Hello everyone. This is a letter that I wrote to the Yated last week, but they did not publish it. Reading LS's article to the Yated inspired me to write this. Abuse is rampant in the Jewish community. How can I say that it's rampant? Well, I am a survivor of abuse, and including myself, I know of five people who were abused within a two-block radius. That is five people too many. Dov Hikind has gotten hundreds of calls already from abuse survivors. This means there are probably thousands of Orthodox Jewish people who were or still are being abused. The abuse that I suffered could have been entirely prevented if I had been educated about this topic at a young age; but, no school says anything. I went through the Bais Yaakov system and not one teacher discussed this topic. If I had been told the basics, nothing detailed, then my abuse wouldn't have started in the first place. As a result of not knowing about this topic, I suffered in silence for four terrible years. I am now traumatized for life. I get triggered every single day. Even just walking out of my house brings horrific memories to my mind. I now suffer every day from depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Schools need to tell their students about this topic. Without knowledge, the chain just continues. Just shoving the topic under the rug does not make it disappear. Is the Jewish community afraid that something terrible will happen if they educate their children? I asked my therapist why she doesn't go to schools to teach children on a basic level about the topic of abuse. Her reply was, "Schools forbid me from coming." Atrocities are being committed because Jewish children are not being educated on the topic of abuse. "Trying to forget a fear is like trying to hold an inflated basketball under the water. It takes all of your strength and attention, and in time it must pop to the surface." - Finley Making believe that abuse doesn't occur in the Jewish community makes the entire situation one hundred times worse. It rears its ugly head in other ways. For me, my body is covered in scars since that was the only way I knew how to deal with so much inner pain. The chain can be broken if our Jewish children are educated. An ounce of prevention is worth more than a thousand pounds of cure. Some people may say, OK, let's only tell the girls since it occurs only among young girls. This is a falsehood. From the five people I know who were abused on two blocks, two of them are boys. Education is the only road to prevention. Without education, the chain just continues. Do something about the situation. Stop the chain. Today. - Concerned About the Future of Klal Yisrael

Day 3-May 2

Shabbos was...interesting. They woke me up early for breakfast, I spent a lot of time klutzing around. A male psychiatrist tried talking to me and I froze up. But the people sitting with me today are nice. I spent a lot of time talking to the two other frum girls here. Meals were...weird. I survived it. Had the binah and mishpacha to read and my mother came to visit, since she was staying in a hotel for shabbos. Hopefully I'll get off of CO status on Monday, and i'll have more freedom of movement and get the rest of my clothes back so don't have to ask for clothing to change all the time.

Day 2-May 1

They wake me up before 7. The nurse leaves a cup on the dresser for a urine sample. There is no way I'm giving that. I roll over and go back to sleep, waking up for vitals and cuz they want to take blood. Again. What the hell do they need my blood for anyway? After that, I get back into bed until the phones get turned on. Call my mother, then I eat a rubber omlette for breakfast. Then they call mr for rounds. I see a man there and freak out. THEY PROMISED ME NO MEN! I tell them that and walk out. I'm on status still, so the nurse follows me back to bed. Then, the social workers come and they talk to me till I calm down. How many times do I have to answer the same freakin questions? I'm still wearing Wednesdays clothing cuz they won't give me my stuff. They keep saying they will but they don't follow through. This place is not helping me. I'm in bed again. I asked the social worker of there's anywhere I can get online and she says no, cuz the focus here is treatment. WTH?! I'm totally shut off from the world no Internet, no texting, no phones, I can't have a pen or pencil only marker. So I can't write normally. It's like shabbos all day every day. I haven't gone to the bathroom since Wednesday cuz they won't let me go alone. I'm gonna have to go eventually. But it's so demeaning! I haven't brushed my teeth yet, cuz my toothbrush and toothpaste are with the stuff they won't give me. Same with my hairbrush. The phones won't be on until 2:00 but with no watch and no clock in my room, how am I supposed to know they're on? This place is so messed up. The only good thing is that I'm crying a lot. That's how mad that made me. Finally, the nurse gave me a pen!!
At around one, wanda came on watch. She's the only one I like so far. She's sweet. She had been here earlier when I walked out on the psychiatrist and the social worker came to talk to me. So she knows I was sexually abused and that I'm terrified of guys and the gowns. Anyway, I told her I as wearing the clothes since Wednesday and she took me to the nurse's station and let me take my clothes out. And my toothbrush and toothpaste, and money for the phones. So now, at least I'm neat, even though I'm not that clean. Also, since I'm not totally terrified of her, I finally went to the bathroom. I skipped lunch, it looked disgusting. This place is crazy! There is a girl across the hall who's been here for five months already! And I think there's something wrong with my brain right now. I've been writing in prose only. I should take a nap, but I've been napping for so long. Since I haven't joined the group yet, I don't really feel comfortable with the people here, all I've done so far is nap and get up when they make me. I didn't feel safe all night last night, cuz I'm not allowed to shut the door. My head is splitting. I hate the way some of the staff talk down to us. "Youre a busy one today." hello that's how I talked to my students.
The status person sitting with me now is the one I don't like, but at least I spoke to mommy and she's on the way. And she told me that my friend is coming too, on her way to where she's going for shabbos. So I'm gonna have at least two visitors today. And mommy is gonna stay for shabbos. Man I just heard Sheila say she's gonna be here for two hours. I'm gonna go bananas! The pastoral care guy came to introduce himself, and freaked me out a bit. I'm such a scared baby. Having someone constantly stare at me is giving me the heebie jeebies.
Just learned something new. My name is on the list of "trays outside", which means officially I'm not allowed to eat in the room with everyone else. Sheila, (person I don't like) complimented me on my appetite tonight. That's cuz she couldn't really see what I ate. According to the slip of paper on my tray, I had baked eggplant. Really it was vegetarian stuffed cabbage. Better than the dry chicken last night. I didn't finish it. Side was really disgusting. Potato kugel and peas and carrots. I found out about the tray outside thing when I went to dump my stuff.
My friend didn't make it here in the end.

Day 1-April 31

There is no passage of time in the psych ER. The only windows in my holding cell face the inside of the building. Someone comes in to draw blood, and a breakfast tray appears on the "bed". Next time I wake up, there's a lunch tray there too.
A lady comes and gives me my clothes. I get dressed, and the next thing I know I'm on a stretcher in an ambulance. I don't know how long the drive is.
When we get to westchester, security takes away my teddy and my pencil. The rest of my stuff gets dumped in a paper bag. Next, a lady asks me a million questions, then a nurse comes to do a physical, and then someone comes to take my bag and I'm brought upstairs. I get a tour of the unit. Then the nurse tells me to put on a hospital gown for a body check. I flip. Eventually, they do it without me getting undressed. They make me pull my bra away from my skin and shake it to prove I'm not hiding anything. I feel violated and humiliated. They show me to my room, but won't give me my things. I'm on CO-status (constant observation). They won't even let me go to the bathroom without supervision. I haven't gone to the bathroom since yesterday. I can't call anyone, cuz to call I need quarters, and my quarters are with my stuff. Someone brings me me supper. I don't want it. After a while, I eat it anyway. Then I go back to bed. There's a guy on watch now. I'm terrified. I thought all the staff was female. Then a lady comes to ask me questions. I've answered their questions a few times today. When she asks what they can do to help me, I have no patience to repeat myself again and I make the mistake of saying I don't know. I don't really, cuz my head is muddled. Visiting hours are already over, but my parents are still stuck in traffic. When they finally get here, I burst into tears and tell them everything. The nurse accuses them of getting me agitated. And wants them to leave. My father really pulled through for me. He pulled out his court badge and says "if anyone touches any of us I'll arrest them." In the end, they agree not to make me change into a gown, but still won't give me my things, except my siddur. My parents go off to talk to the doc on call, and eventually I get my notebook too. But I have to write in a fat crayola marker, cuz they won't give me a pen or a pencil. I'm not safe here! I want to leave already. I've learned my lesson. Honesty doesn't pay. My father hopes they'll let me out after shabbos. My mother is arranging to stay in the area for shabbos so I shouldn't be alone. This is a prison not a hospital. There is no overriding policies. It's so dumb cuz even with someone sitting at my door I can hurt myself even without her knowing. They won't even promise that it'll always be a female here with me, only that they'll "try"! I haven't had any meds today and no one even noticed. I want to die now even more than before.

positive post V

this week i...

~went spent shabbos afternoon with a friend (thanks friend!)

~went for therapy

~didn't kill myself