Day 1-April 31

There is no passage of time in the psych ER. The only windows in my holding cell face the inside of the building. Someone comes in to draw blood, and a breakfast tray appears on the "bed". Next time I wake up, there's a lunch tray there too.
A lady comes and gives me my clothes. I get dressed, and the next thing I know I'm on a stretcher in an ambulance. I don't know how long the drive is.
When we get to westchester, security takes away my teddy and my pencil. The rest of my stuff gets dumped in a paper bag. Next, a lady asks me a million questions, then a nurse comes to do a physical, and then someone comes to take my bag and I'm brought upstairs. I get a tour of the unit. Then the nurse tells me to put on a hospital gown for a body check. I flip. Eventually, they do it without me getting undressed. They make me pull my bra away from my skin and shake it to prove I'm not hiding anything. I feel violated and humiliated. They show me to my room, but won't give me my things. I'm on CO-status (constant observation). They won't even let me go to the bathroom without supervision. I haven't gone to the bathroom since yesterday. I can't call anyone, cuz to call I need quarters, and my quarters are with my stuff. Someone brings me me supper. I don't want it. After a while, I eat it anyway. Then I go back to bed. There's a guy on watch now. I'm terrified. I thought all the staff was female. Then a lady comes to ask me questions. I've answered their questions a few times today. When she asks what they can do to help me, I have no patience to repeat myself again and I make the mistake of saying I don't know. I don't really, cuz my head is muddled. Visiting hours are already over, but my parents are still stuck in traffic. When they finally get here, I burst into tears and tell them everything. The nurse accuses them of getting me agitated. And wants them to leave. My father really pulled through for me. He pulled out his court badge and says "if anyone touches any of us I'll arrest them." In the end, they agree not to make me change into a gown, but still won't give me my things, except my siddur. My parents go off to talk to the doc on call, and eventually I get my notebook too. But I have to write in a fat crayola marker, cuz they won't give me a pen or a pencil. I'm not safe here! I want to leave already. I've learned my lesson. Honesty doesn't pay. My father hopes they'll let me out after shabbos. My mother is arranging to stay in the area for shabbos so I shouldn't be alone. This is a prison not a hospital. There is no overriding policies. It's so dumb cuz even with someone sitting at my door I can hurt myself even without her knowing. They won't even promise that it'll always be a female here with me, only that they'll "try"! I haven't had any meds today and no one even noticed. I want to die now even more than before.