Day 5-May 4

Woke up crazy early today. I really appreciate my clothes now that they're easily accessible again. Was sitting around since my rubber omelet this morning, talking and stuff. Still didn't meet with the team yet, so I don't know if I'm on status anymore or not, but the person sitting with me isn't as on top of me. I think the staff doesn't really think I need it anymore, they just can't take me off without the p.doc and the social worker. All this waiting around is making me nuts. I shoulda joined yoga, but I'm too nervous.

Finally met with the team. I took A's advice and turned the chair to face the pdoc and pretended no one else was there, even though the social worker and two students and the status sitter and the other person was there. I think I explained myself well. I kept the I-don't-knows to a minimum. I asked bout my hair and about going off status. Pdoc said the team had to discuss it first, and they'd get back to me. From there I went to goals group, and I forced myself to say that my goal was not to shut myself in, to be social and not to keep going back to my room. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if goals group or rounds came first. Think goals. Whatever.

Then was skills group. About assertiveness. I participated. Yay me! And I even took some notes. Now I finished lunch, and I'm still sitting around like an idiot, cause everyone didn't come out yet.

2:00- I don't think the CBT groups are gonna be helpful for me. If I really work on it one-on-one with my therapist it might work, but I zone out too much in a big group. They STILL didn't tell me anything about my hair or status, and the dietitian didn't come by yet. I feel so freakin trapped already. I just asked the status person when I'm gonna find out, and she said they woulda said I was off by now if they were taking me off. I don't know what I'm supposed to do differently to get off. Everyone was so sure I was gonna come off today. And the staff keeps saying they didn't get it, I seem fine.

2:45- finally found the person to talk to about my teddy bear. She's gonna check for me if she can get it today and if not she'll get it in the morning. Best part- she PROMISED to give me an update when she has an answer. And the person sitting with me- the one i hated in the beginning-is turning out to be very nice. she said she's gonna help with the hair issue, and that if i'm not off status tomorrow then when she gets back on wednesday , we're gonna go to war!! WOOHOO!!

just read the CBT workbook for today. i figured out from from it (sorta) why i have so much trouble identifying WHY i'm feeling the way i do. my thoughts leading to the emotions aren't really word thoughts, they're fleeting sounds/images/smells that i don't always remember after. i dunno how to express them properly.

i'm exhausted!! and It is here. i gotta figure out how to get rid of It without keeping myself on status. can't think of anything though. AAARRGGH!! status sitter is falling asleep. i crack up when that happens. it's a good thing i already decided not to hurt myself right now, cuz she's not watching. ooh...she just woke up and walked off. hahahahahahaha

self help group is weird. but i went anyway, cuz it looks good on my chart. basically it's to do worksheets practicing the CBT skills discussed in group in the morning. but you can do almost anything really. i tried doing a drawing a few times, but it's hard without a pencil, and the chalk/charcoal doesn't work for me really.

thank God for bikur cholim sandwiches!! i can't believe i've been ignoring them all this time...status sitter says i'm probably getting off in the morning, and that the patient care manager says it's ok for my mother to wash my hair. i forgot to ask her to check if it was entered into my chart so that we don't have to argue about it again. i'm gonna have to ask her...

had a great visit with *me* and then i got to talk to rebetzin for an hour which was really cool (rebetzin, you're A LOT cooler than me!! thanks!) then i ate my snack from *me* (yum) now i'm exhausted, but i'm forcing myself to stay awake til curfew, so maybe i won't wake up at six again.

i just did one of the hardest things i've done in a really long time. i told my mother where my pill stash is, and asked her to get rid of it. i'm trying not to regret it.