Day 6-May 5

woke up early again. the person sitting with me now is someone i never met before, so she doesn't know that everyone's been giving me space, so she's paying too much attention to me. i don't want t say anything though cuz i don't want to mess things up for myself at rounds later. i'm bored out of my box now, cuz it's too early for breakfast, the phones aren't on yet, yoga isn't til later, i've already washed my face, brushed my teeth and hair, and gotten dressed. result? an hour of free time with nothing to do. i'm getting that really trapped feeling again, she's staring at my back. for goodness sakes lady, my grimy hair is not that interesting! i am not trapped, i am not trapped, i am not trapped, i am not trapped, i am not trapped, i am not trapped...this one insisted that the bathroom door stay wide open when i went in to get dressed, so guess who didn't use the bathroom this morning? breakfast seems to be running late today, and i have nothing to say. i'm just writing to keep myself busy so i don't strangle the sitter. i'm itching to write a poem, but again, i can't think of what to say. i think all my creativity has been sapped out of me since i got here...no artwork, no poems...

something new for breakfast, and even worse than a rubber omelette-french toast, tasteless. i have a huge stomach ache, and i'm STILL being followed. it's like they're waiting for me to snap...explode...go crazy...from being followed, so that they can say, "see, you're NOT ready to go off status!" and keep me on for another five days.

they changed the dose of my meds without telling me first. i'm getting madder and madder at them. if i hadn't take it, they would have written that i refused, and that i'm not cooperating, but i'm not comfortable with taking meds that haven't been explained to me! there was no announcement for yoga, so i guess there isn't any today.

they didn't take me off status. i can't deal with this anymore. i'm tense and stressed, i feel disgustingly dirty, and i need to get out of here. i'm putting in the effort, and they're not. they don't hear a word i say. i asked that i be told when they make changes, and they said "well, we can't always tell you everything, this is inpatient and you have to do what we say" not in those exact words, but something like that. i have no say in anything! they did give me permission to have my mother wash my hair though.

from what i see, the issue is the stinkin psychiatrist. i just spoke to someone who was sitting with me, and with the patient care manager, and they both think i should be off, so it's just the psychiatrist.

missed yoga (they did have it) cuz i was talking to a mental health worker. went to goals group, but didn't participate. then went to a stress management group. now i'm waiting for lunch. i feel like i have a huge stone pressing down on my chest. i need to actually use all the stuff i just learned, except that i didn't really learn much that i can do here in the hospital, except breathing and writing, which aren't really working right now.

finally spoke to the dietician. i hope it helps with the food issues. CBT group was interestingly weird today. i'm gonna try to fill out the sheet and see if it helps with the emotions around the status issue. the men are all sitting around making fun of my female only status-whatever.


talked out my status issue again with nicole, who was sitting with me. i'm calmer now. rabbi klein came to talk to me as well, he's the third pastoral care rabbi to come. it was worth it just to give out the website to someone who knows more girls. now i'm at relaxation group, not really relaxing though. still, it looks good to have my name on the sign in sheet.

social worker just came to talk to me. i can't get off status cuz i'm "not stable" whatever that means. based on the person who just got put on status and is now my roommate-never show emotion. hospital+emotion+status.

i just lost my folder and my notebook, which is BAD, BAD, BAD-my notebook has my one and only poem from the hospital adn my one and only piece of artwork.

found my stuff, they just ended up in the wrong room with all the switching. had a really nice visit with my parents-MY HAIR IS CLEAN!!-then went to wrap up group. now i'm hanging around waiting for snack.

got back my teddy bear!! WOOHOO!! things are finally looking up...