therapy journal 25

therapy is not going so well. i've gone back to my old defense mechanisms, so we're moving back up to twice a week. DBT is on hold for now, we're not sure what we're doing about it.

had a pretty ok week. of course, that could be cuz i'm avoiding my feelings, and since i don't know what i'm feeling, i'm just assuming it was ok.

therapy journal 24

shabbos was really nice. had A over, and went to visit EG. plus, went to visit my bros and their wives and kids.

had a family chanuka party after shabbos, and for various reasons, jack wasn't even invited! i was able to really enjoy myself :-)

went to visit *me* today, had a nice time with her. was a stressful day though.

now i'm busy debating DBT...i really don't want to do it. maybe i'll be lucky and the waiting list will be too long...

therapy journal 23

had an ok day today. the heat in our house is broken though, so my evening wasn't as great as it could be. my sister is home for chanukah vacation. i'm having one of my friends from the hospital for shabbos, so for once my room is actually clean. probably won't post again before shabbos.

therapy journal 22

had an ok day today.

therapy yesterday was really hard. she wants me to start in a DBT program, and i'm really nervous to do it.

therapy journal 21

had a very lazy day today. didn't accomplish anything, forgot all about my therapy homework. i feel like such a pathetic loser right now...

therapy journal 20

shabbos was ok this week. but i ruined it for myself tonight, by triggering myself on purpose. what's wrong with me???

therapy journal 19

had an ok day today. a bit overwhelmed by life though.

only did my therapy homework once today, and i can't do it over shabbos. makes me so mad at myself...

therapy journal 18

i haven't been entering in this journal most of this week, cuz it's not officially my homework anymore. my homework this week is to write down how i'm feeling and why at specific times during the day, which is a lot harder than it seems. so far, i wrote it down three times this whole week, which is an embarrassment.

why is it so hard to notice how i'm feeling?

anyway, besides that...therapy is really hard. i feel like i'm moving backwards, which she says is normal. so i'm normal. which is just wonderful, cuz i love feeling normal, especially when normal is painful. i'm terrified that i'm going to end up in the hospital again in this process, which she says is also normal. normal, normal, normal...

i'm hurting....

therapy journal 17

had a really bad day today, my own fault, cuz i was a lazy bum. i was ok the whole day though, stayed a five. good night world!

therapy journal 16

had a really nice shabbos. woke up a five or so, and stayed that way til seuda shelishis. then, i got triggered, but managed to stay grounded and calm, and still enjoy myself. now i'm a six, (my own fault that i went up again) but working on staying there. not sure that i can get myself lower on my own...help?

therapy journal 15

today was a really good day. stayed a five all day.

therapy journal 14

the wedding went ok last night. just got home very late, so i overslept (again!) this morning. had therapy today, i guess it went ok. woke up a five, went up to a six in the middle of the day, and now i'm not sure what i am.

therapy journal 13

woke up late again, temp was a 5. 5 now too. had a boring day at work, but spent some time with E on the way home. went over to L tonight, had a really nice time. tomorrow is the wedding-i get to see T#6! i'm so excited! (note rolling eyes) heading to bed now

therapy journal 12

had a really good day today. stayed a five all day. went to work, then went out to eat with c and tb and my mom.

therapy journal 11

been a five all day :-) didn't do much with myself, just a little shopping, but it was a good day in general. not in the mood for work tomorrow though. i'm surprised at my good temp, cuz had a really hard night last night. heard that therapist #6 is gonna be at a wedding at the same time as me later this week, and i'm really nervous, even though she's legally not allowed to let on that she knows me...

therapy journal 10

woke up a six again. overtired, didn't sleep well at all, so i overslept again this morning. haven't slept well in a few nights. work wasn't too bad, but i still wish i didn't have to go. going to shef for shabbos, so not ready. can't think of what i need to take along!! now i'm a five, so at least i'm doing better than i was. will post more after shabbos i guess.

therapy journal 9

woke up a six today. basically stayed that way all day. now i'm a seven, not sure why. been shaking since i got out of the shower. had g over in the morning, then went to work.

therapy journal 8

woke up late again this morning. was a six when i woke up. last night was really hard, i fell backwards in my sleeping habits. went to work, boring as usual. really didn't want to go at all. went out shopping with shef and a. and then played boggle. a says i look awful. well, not in those words, but when i said my eyes are starting to look glazed and dead again, she did agree. heading to bed, gonna do some grounding there-i'm a seven now.

therapy journal 7

overslept again today. woke up at around a five, which was pretty ok. work was boring, as usual. then went for therapy. it's getting harder and harder. right now i'm a six, not too bad. feel myself going up though. everything feels like a pressure now. just thinking about going to work tomorrow is making me wanna cry. thinking about doing anything right now makes me wanna cry. we have company downstairs, people who i probably won't have another chance to see in a really long time, and i can't even bring myself to go down and spend some time with them. i'm hungry, and i have no energy to go find food. i'm tired, which makes no sense. i've barely been up for eleven hours. must ground myself...

little girl

my little girl is crying
it's so hard for her
"don't you know the danger
in this?" she asks...

my little girl is shaking
it's so hard for her
"don't you know you
shouldn't talk?" she asks...

my throat closes up
squeezes shut
tighter! tighter!
as my little girl tries
to clamp it shut...

therapy journal 6

woke up very late today. was a five in the morning. had a boring day at work-i like my job less every day, even though i'm very busy there now. now i'm a six. not sure why. i wish i knew :-(

therapy journal 5

not sure what i was earlier today. now i'm really nervous, probably at a six or so. i need to ground myself, but need to shower first. feel him touching me. went to the psychiatrist today, we changed my meds. again. but it went ok. got new glasses after.

therapy journal 4

had a really nice shabbos with *me* and shef. l came over in the afternoon, had a nice time. woke up around a four/five, which is pretty good, now i'm closer to a six/seven, not sure why. went out for ice cream after shabbos, now i really need the treadmill. really nervous to go to the doctor tomorrow, maybe that's why my temp went up? need to make some changes in my meds, not sure how i feel about it.

therapy journal 3

had a pretty good morning. i overslept-why am i so tired these days?-but i managed to help around the house before i left for work. now i'm home, and should be working. this morning, i think i was a four, now i'm a five. will write more later.

therapy journal 2

today i was a steady four almost the whole day. which is a pure miracle, cuz i didn't do anything different today than yesterday or the day before, until i got home. i've been playing music steadily ever since i got home. work was boring, as usual. nothing else to say

therapy journal

i'm supposed to journal every night this week. i have nothing to say. the guests left. but my sister still has stuff in my room. right now i'm at a six. still want to hurt myself, but trying really hard not to. been thinking about the hospital a lot. i don't want to go in, especially with my cousin's wedding getting closer. working on staying out...must work more on my grounding. i discovered a new way to stay grounded tonight: word association game. (thanks 1sheep!!)

falling

FALLING, FALling
lower, lower
must get up,
must be stronger
i can't do this
on my own...

*internet friends
are not what i need
my real life friends
are great indeed
but they can't do
enough for me

narrative

working on my narrative now in therapy. it's hard work. a lot of talking about things i'd rather not think about. therapist transcribing every word i say-literally. i'm itching to write a poem...about anything, but especially about this experience, but it's just not working. i have major writer's block going on here.

so just letting you all know that i'm ok, really.

therapy

sorry i haven't been posting much. things were going really well for a while. they still are. but i've gotten to the really icky part of my therapy...so even though things are still going really well, they've been rough.

i want to write so badly...i just don't have words right now. i'm not sure when i'll get my next positive post up...they're also pretty hard to keep doing. i haven't been that great about writing things down...consistency is hard these days.

gee, i guess i should have title this post...hard. cuz that's what it is now. but in a good way.

see you around everyone!

positive post 27/28

sorry it's been so long...

these past two weeks i...

~davened some days

~said modeh ani and shema every day

~went for therapy a whole buncha times

~babysat jack's daughter

~ate two meals a whole buncha times

~did a lot of cooking

~went to shul a buncha times

~went to a shiur

~spent time with shef and another two friends

~had a lot of family time

~took the train alone

i'm getting published!

Dear artist,

Thank you for your submission for the Purple Poetry Book. We loved your poem and would like to use it in the book but with some changes. We would like to use only Bunkbed I, not Bunkbed II and III. If this is an acceptable change for you, please let me know. Also, we’ll need to know what name you would like the poem published under and a 2-3 line bio of the author for the book. Thanks!

Marie Lilly

Program Manager and Community Educator

Survivors' Network & Trauma Prevention Program

TurnAround, Inc.

positive post 26

this week i...

remembered modeh ani and shema every day

~davened almost every day

~visited some relatives

~went to work all workdays

~took my niece for a walk

~remembered my meds every day

~helped my aunt

~went for a walk with my sister twice

~was in bed before midnight almost every day

~took a two hour bus ride alone

~reached 22 days of no SI (sorry, haven't had a chance to update my ticker)

~decorated my sukkah

~ate at least two meals most days

~read my CBT book

~cooked for yom tov

~managed without therapy while my therapist was away

~got back in touch with a long lost friend

~did some work for my tired brother ;-)

sorry i haven't been posting much. B"H, i haven't had much inspiration...hopefully, as i get better, i'll get inspired to write more nice things. meanwhile...enjoy the positive posts!

have a wonderful yom tov!

positive post 25

this week i...

~said modeh ani and shema every day

~remembered my meds every day

~davened every day

~completed two weeks of no SI

~spent time with five friends

~worked every day

~went to the mall with my sisters and spent other time with them

~visited my sister in law

~babysat my nephew

~went to four shiurim

~helped around the house

~went for therapy

~washed my own hair

...next week, even better!

i'm posting this early cause i'm going away for shabbos...so it's not really a complete list

have a wonderful shabbos everyone!

positive post 24

this week i...

~remembered modeh ani and shema every day

~remembered my meds every day

~was in bed before midnight most days

~worked monday to thursday

~went to two shiurim

~ate at least two meals every day besides one

~had the coolest therapy session i've had in a really long time

~davened almost every day

~went to a family simcha

~visited with shef :)

~reached 8 days of no SI

~cleaned for Y"T

~cooked and baked for Y"T

~waited up for my sister to get home even though i was exhausted

...next YEAR, even better!!

Kesiva vechasima tova everyone. thanks so much for all your support this year!

~LS~

positive post 23

this week i...

~remembered my meds

~davened three days

~said modeh ani and shema every day

~was in bed by midnight every day

~cleaned the house and cooked for shabbos

~ate two meals most days

~worked every day

~visited with friends twice

~washed my own hair twice

~went for therapy twice

~put up a new SI counter :)

need help understanding something-all clarified

the rabbi clarified what he said originally...this was written to one of my friends, not me, so it doesn't clarify it perfectly, but it does help...

You have been grieviously hurt. The pain is still there. Question: Did anyone ask you for forgiveness? Obviously not. There is no obligation to forgive someone who has injured you when they haven’t asked for mechila (forgiveness) [and probably not acknowledged any wrongdoing]. As far as Lo sikom (revenge, ie: “you didn’t lend me, I won’t lend you), lo sitor (harboring ill will, ie: you didn’t lend me but I’m not like you, I’m better), lo sisno (do not hate)-there the Chafetz Chaim says one must be machmir (stringent). “Forgiveness” means absolving the perp from responsibility. That is not required.

If, for example, your two year old nephew would kick you in your shin, and leave a bruise, he’s only two years old, not responsible for his actions. You would automatically “forgive” him. If you can look at the perp(s) as “mentally defective” (and to some extent they are) and not responsible for what they did, and thus forgive them, WOW!! If you can actually have a cordial relationship, then “go to the head of the class.” A remarkable achievement, but NOT a requirement.

When we say vidui, we (A) acknowledge our wrongdoing, (B) we express remorse for what we did, and (C) we ask for forgiveness. Hashem, the Av Harachamon, forgives us. NO, you are not in deep trouble at all! You are reacting as any normal person. Hatzlocha

positive post 22

sorry i'm late!

this week (including shabbos) i:

~remembered modeh ani and shema most days

~remembered meds most days

~davened some days

~finished my summer job

~had ice cream with my sister

~spent shabbos with shef

~went out with a friend

~caught up with two friends

~went to a shiur

~went for therapy

~washed my own hair twice

~cleaned my dining room and did laundry

next week, even better!

nightmares

nightmares
never ending
favorite, most trusted
friends hurting
me
molesting

i want to wake up
stop the pain
yet sleep pulls me
deeper and deeper
into my worst nightmares
who needs memories of jack
hurting me
to keep me in therapy
when i have my own
messed up mind
creating new pain
every night?

positive post 21

i didn't write at all this week, so this is entirely from memory...

this week i...

~davened some days

~worked four days

~held jack's baby daughter at a family simcha without freaking out

~had two family simchos

~visited with shef

~took my sisters on a trip

~visited with a friend

~worked on my niece's scrapbook

~visited my sis in law

~washed my own hair and stayed grounded while doing it twice, three showers

~said modeh ani and shema every day

~started on a new once a week med, dropped one daily med, and remembered all meds every day

~cleaned my kitchen

next week, even better!

i cannot get the words out
the things i want to say
the worries, the fears, the doubts
that stay with me all day
the aches, soreness, and pains
that will not go away.
every time i see some gains,
they seem to fade away
so it goes, with pains that don't leave
and gains that never stay
as i stare with wonder at this tease...
why bother anyway?

need help understanding something

warning: any comment that attempts to bash the rabbi that said this will NOT be published.

ok, so i'm in the middle of typing the rabbi's answers to some questions from my website. this is the last paragraph of one answer....

"Most siddurim, in krias shema al hamita have a paragraph which begins by declaring forgiveness for anyone who ever harmed me physically or financially. Afterwards, the paragraph continues by asking for forgiveness and help to never sin. It seems that before we can expect forgiveness for our shortcomings, we have to confirm our belief in forgiveness by forgiving others."

less than a month before yom hadin, where does this leave me??

falling

falling back
off track
out of whack

downward trend
round wrong bend
please just end

positive post 20

i was so busy this past week, i didn't have time to write everything down, so it's gonna be a bit on the short side, sorry everyone. but here goes:

this week i...

~said modeh ani every day, shema every day, and davened some days

~went for therapy once, and the psychiatrist once

~remembered my meds every day

~had two really successful showers :)

~went to work four days (my max)

~had two meals most days

~went out for ice cream with a friend

~made challah, did laundry, cleaned my kitchen

~had a friend for (last) shabbos

this week, even better!

positive post

will come next week. sorry folks, a little behind in my work!

shower VI (i think)

psychiatrist visit today

i don't have to go back until november!

positive post 18/19-a little late, sorry everyone!

the last two weeks i...

~remembered modeh ani every day

~remembered my meds almost every day

~davened every day besides one

~went to a shiur almost every day

~ate three meals almost every day

~visited with seven friends on eight seperate occasions, and visited with five relatives/families of relatives on nine separate occasions

~went to a wedding and a bris

~reached 20 days SI free and counting

~went out with my mother and sister and almost every day

~went out with mrs. n almost every day

~got my hair done three times, and two manicures

~spent time with jack's kids without freaking out

~babysat my nieces

~played games with my siblings and mother a whole bunch of times

~helped a friend

~worked on my niece's scrapbook

~showered in someone else's house without freaking out

~cleaned my house

~packed for and unpacked from vacation

next week, even better!!

positive post 17

before i start...

i'm going on vacation for two weeks, so this will be my last post til i get back, unless i happen to get internet access at some point. i don't expect to though. don't miss me too much!

i wasn't so good about writing things down this week, but here goes:

this week i...

~had a friend over twice

~remembered modeh ani and shema every day

~went to work three days (on time all three)

~went for therapy twice

~remembered my meds every day

~fasted tish'a b'av!! (i almost never fast)

~went out for ice cream with *me*

~didn't freak out when i ended up alone in an elevator with a man

~told my therapist when i was triggered in session, and then grounded myself

~got a manicure and my hair done without freaking out-AND didn't get told to relax even once by the manicurist!

~ate more than one meal a few times

see you in two weeks with a REALLY long positive post!!

It ??

It "thinks"
It pleases
It squeezes
It teases

It gives a pinch
It makes me flinch
It hurts me since
It makes me wince

It gives a scratch
makes me detach
i give a whack
It hurts me back

It creeps
It seeps
ruins sleep
without a peep

It crawls around
makes no sound
shoves me aground
hounds and pounds

It cuts, It stings
pains It brings
tightly clings
ties down my wings
wish i could
get rid of this thing

three months

made it to three months.

messed up.

not too badly (yet)

trying hard not to make it worse.

i'm sorry.

aching
shaking
quaking

pain
strain
insane

hurts
bursts...
assert!

i can make
the pain
stop!

urges

urges
getting stronger
by the minute
i
know i
won't do it...

i won't
i won't
i won't!

positive post 16

this week i...

~said modeh ani and shema almost every day

~davened four days

~ate three meals two days, and two meals two days

~visited a (far away) friend (thanks friend) with a friend (double thanks!! hm, hm, went the little green frog...)

~went for therapy twice

~remembered my meds every day

~visited two friends

~went walking with a friend

~went to a bris

~went to work on time three days, and a bit late one day

~cleaned my kitchen and did shopping for my mother

...next week, even better!

icky body

yuck
yuck yuck
yuck ick yuck
yuck yuck
yuck
ew
ew icky icky icky icky ew
ew__ yuck yuck yuck __ew
ew__ yuck yuck yuck __ew
ew__ yuck yuck yuck__ ew
ew __yuck yuck yuck __ew
i ha _te this body this ha_ te it
ugly dirty smelly
ewew___ ewew
ewew___ ewew
ewew___ ewew
ewew ___ewew
icky____ icky
icky____ icky
body of____ mine :-(

positive post 15

this week i...

~remembered modeh ani and shema every day

~remembered my meds every day

~davened some days

~had two meals two days, three meals one

~went to a vort

~applied for and accepted a job

~went out with my cousin

~went for therapy twice

~visited with three friends

~went with my cousin to take her kids to the doctor

~called a friend i lost touch with

next week...even better!

my new blog

hi everyone,

people send me links to letters about abuse all the time, and i find them all over. i just started a new blog, where i post these letters. if you have any links or letters (not articles! only letters written by survivors and their friends!) please continue to send them to me!

touching me 7/7/09

i feel him
touching me
he's not here
i'm in my room
with my friend
she's on the phone
i'm at the computer
and i feel him
touching me
hurting me
make it
stop!

goals 7/10-16

this week i will:

~be in bed by midnight
~take my morning meds before ten, and my night meds by 11:30
~eat two meals every day
~daven by eleven every day
~read three pages of my CBT book before bed

positive post 14

this week i...

~remembered modeh ani and shema every day

~remembered my meds every day, both morning and night

~davened most days

~visited with three relatives and six friends on 13 occasions (wow! that's really cooler than i thought it would be)

~ran errands for my mother

~made soup, fish, and challah

~ate two meals on three days and three meals on one

~got my hair done and a manicure

what does happiness feel like?

i want to write a post with this title, but i can't get the words to come out. it's a problem with the way i write, i only get stuff to work when i'm really down. but i don't want it to be that way! i'm happy now, and i want the world to know! help me write it everyone!! what does happiness feel like?

goals 7/3-9

i decided that if my goals and positive posts go up on the same day, i'm more likely to remember to take care of my goals, so...

this week i will:

~be in bed by midnight
~take my morning meds before ten, and my night meds by 11:30
~eat two meals every day
~daven by eleven every day
~read three pages of my CBT book before bed

positive post 13

to finish off last week, i got a manicure and my hair done, with minimal freaking! sounds worse than usual, i know, but it was REALLY hard not to freak out at the hair salon since it was full of guys, so i'm extra proud of it.

this week i...

~remembered modeh ani every day

~remembered shema some days

~remembered my meds most days

~helped my friend with some stuff she needed to get done three days

~visited with friends/family three times

~ate two meals three days

~went for therapy twice (guy therapist!!) and spoke to my therapist on the phone once

~went to a shiur

~davened three days

~manicure and hair without freaking out

nerves IV

eyes tearing
legs shaking
head aching

so scared...
feel like hurting myself.
i won't. i WON'T!

erev yom kippur

on erev yom kippur, he calls me from yeshiva. i don't want to talk to him, but i take the phone anyway.

"little sheep," he says in his gruff voice, "do you forgive me?" he doesn't even say for what he's asking forgiveness.

ever since i was three years old, i've been taught in school that if we don't forgive the people who harmed us, then when we ask Hashem to forgive us, He won't forgive us either. what choice does that leave me? "yeah," i mumble quickly, and hang up the phone...

6/28/2009, years and years later...have i really forgiven him at all?

positive post 12

this week i....

~said modeh ani and shema every day

~davened every day

~visited with friends 6 times

~remembered my meds every day

~went to a shiur

~ate breakfast almost every day, and supper every day

~had therapy over the internet (way cool!)

~took care of my cousins' kids twice

~reached one month, 26 days SI free

~the rest of my stuff is happening after the computer gets shut down today, so it'll have to wait til next week!

It IX

slowly...
it goes...
leaves...
peace...
serenity...
calmness...
finally...
i can breathe...
sleep...
rest...
relax...

praying...
hoping...
it will last...
please...
please...

positive post 11

this week i...

~said modeh ani in the morning and shema at night every day

~remembered my meds, morning and night, every day

~davened 5 days

~reached one month, 18 days SI free, and

~ate two or more meals 6 days

~cleaned my kitchen

~took my sisters shopping twice, for ice cream once, and for slurpees once

~went walking with my father once

~went for therapy twice, once with a man!!

~visited with *me* and two other friends

~had a friend over once

~went to two weddings

~made a cheesecake for my mother

~two showers

~got my hair done twice and a manicure without freaking

great news!

i don't have to go back to the psychiatrist for two months!!

:-)

positive post 10

this week i...

~reached one month, eleven days SI free
~remembered my meds every day
~read my CBT book almost every day
~went to a shiur
~visited with friends
~showered three times
~davened something every day
~subbed three days

and other stuff that i can't post here :-)

goals 6/7-13

physical
~shower three times
~bed before midnight
~remember meds

spiritual
~modeh ani every morning
~shema twice a day

emotional
~therapy twice
~read three pages of my CBT book every day

roundness

therapeutic definition: all the feelings you feel at a given moment, even if they are polar opposites. (like when you feel hopeful, anxious, happy, and sad all at once

positive post 9

this week i...

~remembered modeh ani (8 cuz of shavuos)

~remembered meds (8 mornings, 8 nights)

~showered (3 times)

~completed one month, 4 days no SI, and 2 weeks no picking

~got my hair cut and a manicure without freaking out, and then a wash and blow today, also no freaking out

~subbed twice

~therapy twice, psychiatrist once

~went walking with a friend

~had three friends over :-) (thanks everyone!)

~helped my sister with a school project

~went to a family simcha, and saw jack without freaking out

~had *me* over for a night (plus!)

mixed emotions...thanks rebbetzen!

because, despite

because
of the urges that i've had
in the past, i've hurt myself

despite
the urges that i've had
i have grown to take care of myself

because
of the abuse that i endured
i have always hated myself

despite
the abuse that i endured
i will grow to love myself

despite
the love that God shows me
i have pushed Him away in the past

because
of the love that God shows me
i am growing despite my past

one month

yesterday was my ONE MONTH MARK in my no SI campaign! i went a whole month! :-)
on the no picking side, i'm at ONE WEEK, TWO DAYS :-)

any ideas how to celebrate?

positive post VIII

this week i...

~remembered modeh ani (6)

~remembered meds on my own (6 night, 6 morn)

~visited two friends on shabbos

~remembered shema (6)

~completed my 27th day SI free, and my 6th day free of skin/scalp picking

~talked to dr. a. l. on the phone without freaking out

~went shopping with my mother

~kept my room neat

~two showers

~made challah (2)

~went walking with my father (1)

~went for therapy twice

~volunteered twice

~visited a friend 3 times, had friends over twice

~got a manicure without freaking out

jack's new daughter

a new life
brought into this world
happiness
joy
for everyone
but
me

confusion

tired
cranky
upset
ok
restless
awake
shaky
quivering
mixed up
sleepy
achy

confused

note to readers

for those of you who know me in real life, please do not give out my phone number! i don't know who did, and i don't want to know. if someone needs to contact me, that's what my email address is for!

still...one day

i try
and yet i
don't know why

still
i will
upon myself ill.

still want to hurt
still want the pain
still refuse to see
that i've gained.

one day...
one day...
i'll get there, you'll see.
one day...
one day...
i'll be proud of me.

the pain

the pain
will go
away
someday
at least
that is
what they say.

i will
appreciate
the pain
when i'm
old
at least
that is
what i'm told.

one day
i'll see the
hope in
the pain
of these words
at least
that is
what i've heard.

positive post VII

this week i...

~said modeh ani every day

~remembered my meds both times every day

~got my hair done and a manicure, no freaking out

~had a friend for shabbos

~went to therapy twice

~had two meals 4 days, 3 meals one day

~visited with two friends on three days, one friend on one day

~completed 21 days and counting of NO SI!

~went to two shiurim

~subbed

~said shema (5 days)

~completed 9 days of no picking, starting over today

~did laundry

~shopped with my mother

~cooked and cleaned

i want....

i want to vomit all this stuff
remove it from my head, heart, body
i guess this is sort of a written
prayer to God, since i can't seem
to actually pray

save me. please save me. hte
pain, the images
physical sensations
just make them
go away
far, far away.
God, help me
please.
please.
please.
PLEASE!

thank you

since i complained about it in public, i'm going to give the thanks in public too. this week, the yated published a letter, signed by "aba" (thanks aba!) that included my support website for girls, amongst other places to get support. thank you so much!

why am i...do i...?

why am i
so triggered
so messed up
so hurt?

why do i
feel touch that's not there
feel like hurting myself
feel so dirty?

oh right.
i'm a survivor.

baseless fear

heart is racing
mind is spacing
lots of feelings
send me reeling
don't know why
want to cry
heart is thumping
mind is jumping
hands keep shaking
why's it taking
so much time
for calmness to find

my heart and mind?

somebody

somebody
nobody
touching me
hurting me
make it stop
go away
it's not real
this is fake
you're not helping
you have to realize
this is not
what's happening now
go away
go away
go away
go away!

top ten reasons i'm glad i'm home

1. my door locks

2. i can control the temperature of the water in my sink and shower

3. the psych ward went psychotic the night i left

4. phone. texting, and internet

5. no shadow, freedom of movement

6. yummy food

7. friends and family

8. air and space

9. my own therapist

10. shabbos

goals VI

this week i will...

~spend at least two hours every morning out of the house

~have two therapy sessions

~remember my meds

~say modeh ani every day

~eat at least two meals every day

~put a positive post up on friday

~keep up the no SI and no picking, and continue to break all previous records

may 10-poem

"i'm a dirty, horrible girl," said she
sounding exactly like...me
i must try to stop labeling myself
it doesn't do anything to help.

Day 11-May 10

really tired again. day went ok. my parents and brother came to visit. nothing much happened. had some nice conversations, watched part of two movies. exhausted, going to bed. hope i really get to leave tomorrow!

Day 10-May 9

friday night was ok. woke up too early cuz of incident in the morning. anxious all day. not much to say. played bananagrams, read magazines, sang a little. now going to bed.

Day 9-May 8

had a good night sleep. spoke to CT this morning. found out that i'm not gonna go on the prozac once a week pill, which doesn't make me very happy.

missed group this morning talking to eve, the SW. couldn't finish my lunch. just woke up from a nap, now is CBT group.

family meeting went well. should be home on monday. hard rest of the day cuz of incident on the ward.

Day 8-May 7

i'm so exhausted, i dunno what to do with myself. my roommate got off status this morning. the psychiatrist wants me to do DBT when i get out of here. i don't want to. started on abilify this morning, and it put me in a fog for most of the day. went to goals group in the morning. my door jammed on me right before lunch, so that i was trapped for a few minutes, until someone heard me banging. CBT group wasn't so helpful today, and i slept through medication management and self help.

feeling very out of it still. wrote a letter to mrs. s. ate supper. went to wrap up. spoke to dr. a. l. [see, i'm getting there. one day your whole name will be on...] and e. v. and my therapist. *me* came to visit, had a nice time. went to wrap up. now waiting for meds and then i'm gonna go to bed. no energy. tired.

Day 7-Drawing

Day 7-May 6

finally had a good night sleep! already got a speech about keeping calm, cool and collected in rounds. i'm not getting my hopes up though. prepared a piece of gum to chew in there, and i keep reminding myself to stay calm. rounds don't start for another half an hour though, and i'm probably not first.

I'M OFF!!!

it's so cool to feel free!! i'm concentrating better in group. i filled out a goals sheet for the first time today. eating lunch in the dining room was better too. i'm feeling so much better and ready to work on my issues.

had a pretty good afternoon. joined most of the groups, did a pen doodle/drawing to get out the shower fear, then i made a list of steps to taking a shower and...
I DID IT!! i'm at the top of the world!

Day 6-poem

trapped
stuck
watching eyes
keeping me
locked
inside
taking in
every
move
as i eat
wash
and snooze
staring
as i live
each day
while i
wish they'd
go away.

Day 6-May 5

woke up early again. the person sitting with me now is someone i never met before, so she doesn't know that everyone's been giving me space, so she's paying too much attention to me. i don't want t say anything though cuz i don't want to mess things up for myself at rounds later. i'm bored out of my box now, cuz it's too early for breakfast, the phones aren't on yet, yoga isn't til later, i've already washed my face, brushed my teeth and hair, and gotten dressed. result? an hour of free time with nothing to do. i'm getting that really trapped feeling again, she's staring at my back. for goodness sakes lady, my grimy hair is not that interesting! i am not trapped, i am not trapped, i am not trapped, i am not trapped, i am not trapped, i am not trapped...this one insisted that the bathroom door stay wide open when i went in to get dressed, so guess who didn't use the bathroom this morning? breakfast seems to be running late today, and i have nothing to say. i'm just writing to keep myself busy so i don't strangle the sitter. i'm itching to write a poem, but again, i can't think of what to say. i think all my creativity has been sapped out of me since i got here...no artwork, no poems...

something new for breakfast, and even worse than a rubber omelette-french toast, tasteless. i have a huge stomach ache, and i'm STILL being followed. it's like they're waiting for me to snap...explode...go crazy...from being followed, so that they can say, "see, you're NOT ready to go off status!" and keep me on for another five days.

they changed the dose of my meds without telling me first. i'm getting madder and madder at them. if i hadn't take it, they would have written that i refused, and that i'm not cooperating, but i'm not comfortable with taking meds that haven't been explained to me! there was no announcement for yoga, so i guess there isn't any today.

they didn't take me off status. i can't deal with this anymore. i'm tense and stressed, i feel disgustingly dirty, and i need to get out of here. i'm putting in the effort, and they're not. they don't hear a word i say. i asked that i be told when they make changes, and they said "well, we can't always tell you everything, this is inpatient and you have to do what we say" not in those exact words, but something like that. i have no say in anything! they did give me permission to have my mother wash my hair though.

from what i see, the issue is the stinkin psychiatrist. i just spoke to someone who was sitting with me, and with the patient care manager, and they both think i should be off, so it's just the psychiatrist.

missed yoga (they did have it) cuz i was talking to a mental health worker. went to goals group, but didn't participate. then went to a stress management group. now i'm waiting for lunch. i feel like i have a huge stone pressing down on my chest. i need to actually use all the stuff i just learned, except that i didn't really learn much that i can do here in the hospital, except breathing and writing, which aren't really working right now.

finally spoke to the dietician. i hope it helps with the food issues. CBT group was interestingly weird today. i'm gonna try to fill out the sheet and see if it helps with the emotions around the status issue. the men are all sitting around making fun of my female only status-whatever.


talked out my status issue again with nicole, who was sitting with me. i'm calmer now. rabbi klein came to talk to me as well, he's the third pastoral care rabbi to come. it was worth it just to give out the website to someone who knows more girls. now i'm at relaxation group, not really relaxing though. still, it looks good to have my name on the sign in sheet.

social worker just came to talk to me. i can't get off status cuz i'm "not stable" whatever that means. based on the person who just got put on status and is now my roommate-never show emotion. hospital+emotion+status.

i just lost my folder and my notebook, which is BAD, BAD, BAD-my notebook has my one and only poem from the hospital adn my one and only piece of artwork.

found my stuff, they just ended up in the wrong room with all the switching. had a really nice visit with my parents-MY HAIR IS CLEAN!!-then went to wrap up group. now i'm hanging around waiting for snack.

got back my teddy bear!! WOOHOO!! things are finally looking up...

Day 5-May 4

Woke up crazy early today. I really appreciate my clothes now that they're easily accessible again. Was sitting around since my rubber omelet this morning, talking and stuff. Still didn't meet with the team yet, so I don't know if I'm on status anymore or not, but the person sitting with me isn't as on top of me. I think the staff doesn't really think I need it anymore, they just can't take me off without the p.doc and the social worker. All this waiting around is making me nuts. I shoulda joined yoga, but I'm too nervous.

Finally met with the team. I took A's advice and turned the chair to face the pdoc and pretended no one else was there, even though the social worker and two students and the status sitter and the other person was there. I think I explained myself well. I kept the I-don't-knows to a minimum. I asked bout my hair and about going off status. Pdoc said the team had to discuss it first, and they'd get back to me. From there I went to goals group, and I forced myself to say that my goal was not to shut myself in, to be social and not to keep going back to my room. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if goals group or rounds came first. Think goals. Whatever.

Then was skills group. About assertiveness. I participated. Yay me! And I even took some notes. Now I finished lunch, and I'm still sitting around like an idiot, cause everyone didn't come out yet.

2:00- I don't think the CBT groups are gonna be helpful for me. If I really work on it one-on-one with my therapist it might work, but I zone out too much in a big group. They STILL didn't tell me anything about my hair or status, and the dietitian didn't come by yet. I feel so freakin trapped already. I just asked the status person when I'm gonna find out, and she said they woulda said I was off by now if they were taking me off. I don't know what I'm supposed to do differently to get off. Everyone was so sure I was gonna come off today. And the staff keeps saying they didn't get it, I seem fine.

2:45- finally found the person to talk to about my teddy bear. She's gonna check for me if she can get it today and if not she'll get it in the morning. Best part- she PROMISED to give me an update when she has an answer. And the person sitting with me- the one i hated in the beginning-is turning out to be very nice. she said she's gonna help with the hair issue, and that if i'm not off status tomorrow then when she gets back on wednesday , we're gonna go to war!! WOOHOO!!

just read the CBT workbook for today. i figured out from from it (sorta) why i have so much trouble identifying WHY i'm feeling the way i do. my thoughts leading to the emotions aren't really word thoughts, they're fleeting sounds/images/smells that i don't always remember after. i dunno how to express them properly.

i'm exhausted!! and It is here. i gotta figure out how to get rid of It without keeping myself on status. can't think of anything though. AAARRGGH!! status sitter is falling asleep. i crack up when that happens. it's a good thing i already decided not to hurt myself right now, cuz she's not watching. ooh...she just woke up and walked off. hahahahahahaha

self help group is weird. but i went anyway, cuz it looks good on my chart. basically it's to do worksheets practicing the CBT skills discussed in group in the morning. but you can do almost anything really. i tried doing a drawing a few times, but it's hard without a pencil, and the chalk/charcoal doesn't work for me really.

thank God for bikur cholim sandwiches!! i can't believe i've been ignoring them all this time...status sitter says i'm probably getting off in the morning, and that the patient care manager says it's ok for my mother to wash my hair. i forgot to ask her to check if it was entered into my chart so that we don't have to argue about it again. i'm gonna have to ask her...

had a great visit with *me* and then i got to talk to rebetzin for an hour which was really cool (rebetzin, you're A LOT cooler than me!! thanks!) then i ate my snack from *me* (yum) now i'm exhausted, but i'm forcing myself to stay awake til curfew, so maybe i won't wake up at six again.

i just did one of the hardest things i've done in a really long time. i told my mother where my pill stash is, and asked her to get rid of it. i'm trying not to regret it.

Day 4-May 3

I'm really moving along right now. The day started out like the others. Didn't sleep well, rubbery omlette for breakfast.
Spent the begining of the morning lying around, not doing much. But the girl on status, stephania, pronounced stephanie, was really nice and we talked a lot. I hardly even noticed when it was lunch time. That really opened me up to get more into things. After lunch, I talked to her more until mommy came. Then tatty and A came in, and mommy and shef went to look for stuff. Later, when they came back, the nurse gave me most of my stuff. A and ta left while I was eating supper, and then shef and ma came back again until they were kicked out. After I walked them out, I asked my status person if I could sit in the living room. I was there with B and E and L till snack, when I finally remembered to ask for my cookies. Then we sat and talked and sang at the piano, (B plays) till I got a phone call, and now it's curfew. I hope I get off status in the morning, so I can take a shower normally. I have enough issues with showering without the door being open to the status person!

positive post VI

this week i...

~got out of the psych ward

~completed 14 days SI free

~remembered modeh ani almost every day

~went to a family simcha

~remembered my meds on my own

~communicated well with my psychiatrist

~visited EV (3X)

~had two friends over (thanks A, thanks EG :-)

~went out with my friends (2X, thanks A & L)

~went to a shiur

~didn't freak out when i got my hair done, or when i got a manicure

~went to talk to my teacher

~went out to lunch with my mother

~made a decision to stop picking my skin, scalp and cuticles, and completed three days (and counting!) of no picking

letter

i'm going to go off topic for a minute here. my friend, who goes by the name "getting stronger," wrote this letter to the yated. it didn't get in this week, but there's still hope for next time! i'm posting it because she makes a lot of very good points. happy reading!

Hello everyone. This is a letter that I wrote to the Yated last week, but they did not publish it. Reading LS's article to the Yated inspired me to write this. Abuse is rampant in the Jewish community. How can I say that it's rampant? Well, I am a survivor of abuse, and including myself, I know of five people who were abused within a two-block radius. That is five people too many. Dov Hikind has gotten hundreds of calls already from abuse survivors. This means there are probably thousands of Orthodox Jewish people who were or still are being abused. The abuse that I suffered could have been entirely prevented if I had been educated about this topic at a young age; but, no school says anything. I went through the Bais Yaakov system and not one teacher discussed this topic. If I had been told the basics, nothing detailed, then my abuse wouldn't have started in the first place. As a result of not knowing about this topic, I suffered in silence for four terrible years. I am now traumatized for life. I get triggered every single day. Even just walking out of my house brings horrific memories to my mind. I now suffer every day from depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Schools need to tell their students about this topic. Without knowledge, the chain just continues. Just shoving the topic under the rug does not make it disappear. Is the Jewish community afraid that something terrible will happen if they educate their children? I asked my therapist why she doesn't go to schools to teach children on a basic level about the topic of abuse. Her reply was, "Schools forbid me from coming." Atrocities are being committed because Jewish children are not being educated on the topic of abuse. "Trying to forget a fear is like trying to hold an inflated basketball under the water. It takes all of your strength and attention, and in time it must pop to the surface." - Finley Making believe that abuse doesn't occur in the Jewish community makes the entire situation one hundred times worse. It rears its ugly head in other ways. For me, my body is covered in scars since that was the only way I knew how to deal with so much inner pain. The chain can be broken if our Jewish children are educated. An ounce of prevention is worth more than a thousand pounds of cure. Some people may say, OK, let's only tell the girls since it occurs only among young girls. This is a falsehood. From the five people I know who were abused on two blocks, two of them are boys. Education is the only road to prevention. Without education, the chain just continues. Do something about the situation. Stop the chain. Today. - Concerned About the Future of Klal Yisrael

Day 3-May 2

Shabbos was...interesting. They woke me up early for breakfast, I spent a lot of time klutzing around. A male psychiatrist tried talking to me and I froze up. But the people sitting with me today are nice. I spent a lot of time talking to the two other frum girls here. Meals were...weird. I survived it. Had the binah and mishpacha to read and my mother came to visit, since she was staying in a hotel for shabbos. Hopefully I'll get off of CO status on Monday, and i'll have more freedom of movement and get the rest of my clothes back so don't have to ask for clothing to change all the time.

Day 2-May 1

They wake me up before 7. The nurse leaves a cup on the dresser for a urine sample. There is no way I'm giving that. I roll over and go back to sleep, waking up for vitals and cuz they want to take blood. Again. What the hell do they need my blood for anyway? After that, I get back into bed until the phones get turned on. Call my mother, then I eat a rubber omlette for breakfast. Then they call mr for rounds. I see a man there and freak out. THEY PROMISED ME NO MEN! I tell them that and walk out. I'm on status still, so the nurse follows me back to bed. Then, the social workers come and they talk to me till I calm down. How many times do I have to answer the same freakin questions? I'm still wearing Wednesdays clothing cuz they won't give me my stuff. They keep saying they will but they don't follow through. This place is not helping me. I'm in bed again. I asked the social worker of there's anywhere I can get online and she says no, cuz the focus here is treatment. WTH?! I'm totally shut off from the world no Internet, no texting, no phones, I can't have a pen or pencil only marker. So I can't write normally. It's like shabbos all day every day. I haven't gone to the bathroom since Wednesday cuz they won't let me go alone. I'm gonna have to go eventually. But it's so demeaning! I haven't brushed my teeth yet, cuz my toothbrush and toothpaste are with the stuff they won't give me. Same with my hairbrush. The phones won't be on until 2:00 but with no watch and no clock in my room, how am I supposed to know they're on? This place is so messed up. The only good thing is that I'm crying a lot. That's how mad that made me. Finally, the nurse gave me a pen!!
At around one, wanda came on watch. She's the only one I like so far. She's sweet. She had been here earlier when I walked out on the psychiatrist and the social worker came to talk to me. So she knows I was sexually abused and that I'm terrified of guys and the gowns. Anyway, I told her I as wearing the clothes since Wednesday and she took me to the nurse's station and let me take my clothes out. And my toothbrush and toothpaste, and money for the phones. So now, at least I'm neat, even though I'm not that clean. Also, since I'm not totally terrified of her, I finally went to the bathroom. I skipped lunch, it looked disgusting. This place is crazy! There is a girl across the hall who's been here for five months already! And I think there's something wrong with my brain right now. I've been writing in prose only. I should take a nap, but I've been napping for so long. Since I haven't joined the group yet, I don't really feel comfortable with the people here, all I've done so far is nap and get up when they make me. I didn't feel safe all night last night, cuz I'm not allowed to shut the door. My head is splitting. I hate the way some of the staff talk down to us. "Youre a busy one today." hello that's how I talked to my students.
The status person sitting with me now is the one I don't like, but at least I spoke to mommy and she's on the way. And she told me that my friend is coming too, on her way to where she's going for shabbos. So I'm gonna have at least two visitors today. And mommy is gonna stay for shabbos. Man I just heard Sheila say she's gonna be here for two hours. I'm gonna go bananas! The pastoral care guy came to introduce himself, and freaked me out a bit. I'm such a scared baby. Having someone constantly stare at me is giving me the heebie jeebies.
Just learned something new. My name is on the list of "trays outside", which means officially I'm not allowed to eat in the room with everyone else. Sheila, (person I don't like) complimented me on my appetite tonight. That's cuz she couldn't really see what I ate. According to the slip of paper on my tray, I had baked eggplant. Really it was vegetarian stuffed cabbage. Better than the dry chicken last night. I didn't finish it. Side was really disgusting. Potato kugel and peas and carrots. I found out about the tray outside thing when I went to dump my stuff.
My friend didn't make it here in the end.

Day 1-April 31

There is no passage of time in the psych ER. The only windows in my holding cell face the inside of the building. Someone comes in to draw blood, and a breakfast tray appears on the "bed". Next time I wake up, there's a lunch tray there too.
A lady comes and gives me my clothes. I get dressed, and the next thing I know I'm on a stretcher in an ambulance. I don't know how long the drive is.
When we get to westchester, security takes away my teddy and my pencil. The rest of my stuff gets dumped in a paper bag. Next, a lady asks me a million questions, then a nurse comes to do a physical, and then someone comes to take my bag and I'm brought upstairs. I get a tour of the unit. Then the nurse tells me to put on a hospital gown for a body check. I flip. Eventually, they do it without me getting undressed. They make me pull my bra away from my skin and shake it to prove I'm not hiding anything. I feel violated and humiliated. They show me to my room, but won't give me my things. I'm on CO-status (constant observation). They won't even let me go to the bathroom without supervision. I haven't gone to the bathroom since yesterday. I can't call anyone, cuz to call I need quarters, and my quarters are with my stuff. Someone brings me me supper. I don't want it. After a while, I eat it anyway. Then I go back to bed. There's a guy on watch now. I'm terrified. I thought all the staff was female. Then a lady comes to ask me questions. I've answered their questions a few times today. When she asks what they can do to help me, I have no patience to repeat myself again and I make the mistake of saying I don't know. I don't really, cuz my head is muddled. Visiting hours are already over, but my parents are still stuck in traffic. When they finally get here, I burst into tears and tell them everything. The nurse accuses them of getting me agitated. And wants them to leave. My father really pulled through for me. He pulled out his court badge and says "if anyone touches any of us I'll arrest them." In the end, they agree not to make me change into a gown, but still won't give me my things, except my siddur. My parents go off to talk to the doc on call, and eventually I get my notebook too. But I have to write in a fat crayola marker, cuz they won't give me a pen or a pencil. I'm not safe here! I want to leave already. I've learned my lesson. Honesty doesn't pay. My father hopes they'll let me out after shabbos. My mother is arranging to stay in the area for shabbos so I shouldn't be alone. This is a prison not a hospital. There is no overriding policies. It's so dumb cuz even with someone sitting at my door I can hurt myself even without her knowing. They won't even promise that it'll always be a female here with me, only that they'll "try"! I haven't had any meds today and no one even noticed. I want to die now even more than before.

positive post V

this week i...

~went spent shabbos afternoon with a friend (thanks friend!)

~went for therapy

~didn't kill myself

Message from Little Sheep:

She asked me to post that-

She'll be away for a bit and doesn't have internet access, but she wanted everyone to know so that nobody should worry about her.

life

life is wonderful,
life is great,
i love life,
it's me i hate.

life is beautiful,
life is fine,
it doesn't have issues,
the issues are mind.

life is amazing,
life is sweet,
for all the bad stuff,
i'll take the heat.

almost 12 years old

it's getting closer to my bas mitzvah. soon, i'll be twelve years old. mommy gives me a book to read, all about how special a girl's body is, and how it changes as we get older. it's scary. one day, all of a sudden, i'm gonna start bleeding!

but now i know at least. i'm growing up, and it's ok that my body is changing. once a month, i'll bleed for a week. that's not so bad.

until this happens.

oh. my. god.
i'm turning into him.
my body is morphing into jack's.
i have hair.
i'm not supposed to have hair there.
oh. my. god.
i'm turning into a boy.
i'm going to grow a penis soon.
i just know it.
soon i'm going to look just like him.
oh. my. god.
how come this isn't in the book?
it must be that it's not supposed to happen.
i'm not supposed to have hair there!
what's happening to me?

where i am (response to some emails)

i haven't disappeared. i can't get to my scanner though, because of a new password thing on the regular computer, so i can't put up my new post yet. it will happen, eventually. and it ain't gonna be pretty.

positive post IV

usually, i spend my week looking for things to post and put them up as they come up, and then just schedule this post. but i didn't this week, so it's probably gonna be short. well...here goes. this week i:

~volunteered (2X, thanks mrs. g)

~listened to my sappy happiness inducing (hopefully) tapes (thanks ;-)

~opened my mouth at the psychiatrist and stated an opinion (yay me!)

~lobby day in albany! (thanks dr. a. l.-and that's the best you can hope for!)

~had yummy ice cream

one word

ugh.

yated "ne'eman"

the first letter to the editor in the yated this week is a mangled version of one that i sent them. for the record, i DID NOT withhold my name. i signed it little sheep, as i always do. i am posting here my original letter, and their mangled version below it.

my original letter:

I want to commend you for having the courage to come out in the open and discuss a topic as controversial and uncomfortable as abuse and molestation in the frum communities. Please realize that as difficult as it is for you to write about it, imagine how much more difficult it is for someone like me, for whom it is a daily reality.

Nobody is quite sure when my abuse started. We assume that it went on for about five years, before I somehow mustered up the courage to tell my parents that a close relative of mine was continuously abusing me. On a steady basis, my privacy and humanity were being violated in the most horrific ways. It's been ten years since then. Ten years of therapy, of depression, of medication, of guilt. Ten years in which the mere mention of my abuser's name sets off panic attacks. Ten years of nightmares. Ten years of torture.

And the worst part, as Rabbi Lipshitz mentioned, is the shame and the silence. My very own family members know that I have some 'issues' but they think it is just me. What they don't know is that it is not me, but rather a very sick and perverted relative of theirs. What they don't know is that I suffer silently. I suffer from such a complete lack of understanding from everyone around me. I am constantly fielding shidduch calls, but people don't realize that I can't even dream about going on a date with a man. I have memories that none of my peers can understand. I have urges to do things that nobody around me can begin to imagine. I have thoughts, feelings and ideas that would make some of my friends run from me.

I believe that proper support is the first step towards healing, and therefore, I am working {together with rabbanim and therapists} to develop a network of girls from frum homes who have been abused, and are looking to heal together with me. Please email me: littlesheffele@gmail.com

Thank you for your courage, and for your support, and for giving us this voice,

Little Sheep

what the yated published:

I want to commend you for having the courage to come out in the open and discuss a topic as controversial and uncomfortable as abuse in the frum community. Please realize that as difficult as it is for you to write about it, imagine how much more difficult it is for someone like me, for whom it is a daily reality. On a steady basis, my humanity was being violated in the most horrific ways. It's been ten years since then. ten years of therapy, depression, medication, and guilt. Ten years during which the mere mention of my abusers name set off panic attacks. Ten years of nightmares. Ten years of torture.

And the worst part, as rabbi lipshutz mentioned, is the shame and silence. My very own family members know that I have some "issues", but they think it's just me.

What they don't know is that I suffer silently. I suffer from such a complete lack of understanding from everyone around me. I believe that proper support is the first step towards healing, and therefore, I am working, together with rabbanim and therapists, to develop a network of individuals from frum homes who have been abused and can look to heal together with me.

Thank you for your courage, for your support, and for giving us this voice.

(and despite the fact that i signed it as little sheep, they chose to sign me off as "name withheld")

edited to add: i just read the rest of the letters in this weeks yated. it's interesting to note that it's ok for information on how to get support for people who are in treatment or have had treatment for cancer to be published in a letter, but not for victims of sexual abuse. i'm not begrudging cancer patients their right to have support, in fact, i think that's JUST AS IMPORTANT. i do think though, that this paper is more messed up than i had thought before. as if that's possible.

i am asking you, my readers, to email this to everyone you know who reads the yated. i want MY voice heard, not what the yated feels like publishing!

albany lobby day report

ok...let's see if i can get my crazy day down here... i got up at five fifteen this morning. i seriously have no clue HOW my father does that every day. it's not natural! it's crazy! anyway, buy ten to six i was at the bus stop waiting for my friend. we walked to the train together, and shlepped all the way into the city to meet up with the rest of the group. on the bus, i met "mr. therapist guy" for the first time. it was pretty obvious that my friend and i were "little sheep & co" cuz we were the only single girl pair on the entire bus. in general, the talk around me was very triggering. when going to an event like this, be prepared to hear about abuse the entire time. and i mean the ENTIRE time. even on the bus. in albany, we went into the legislative building for the press conference. it was really cool to see how diverse the crowd was. there were all different types of people there. men and women. young adults and grandparents. the range of jewish people ran from OTD to veise zoken. seriously. knitted kippot, big black yarmulkas. suit pants and torn jeans. clean shaven and long white beards. jews and christians. blacks and whites. every different type was represented. there was a lot of talk and such. after the conference, we split into groups to go to different offices. my friend and i were in a group with a man and woman from long island, from an organization called "voice of the faithful", (they're catholic.) a couple from albany whose son was abused, i believe by a priest, but didn't say anything til thirty years later; and our group leader, a man from long island who was abused as a kid. we got the cold shoulder in some offices, but some were really nice. anyone who lives in syracuse (if you do, or know someone who does, please pass on this info) the assemblywoman there said that the people in her area are asking her to support the weaker lopez bill, so make the voice of survivors known by calling her and saying otherwise. the markey bill can do so much more for victims, both past and future, than the lopez bill does. after that, we went across to the capital for something or another, but my friend and i forgot out stuff in the legislative building, so we missed whatever it was. the trip back was more endless talk. i don't mean to be rude to any of you who were there, but seriously, at some point we really need to SHUT UP!! we were all on the same side. none of us needed to be convinced. i couldn't believe how long some of them could stay on this topic without getting too triggered or mad and whatever. i'm glad i went. it was really hard to keep saying over and over again that i was abused, and the statute is going to run out before i have time to do anything, but it was REALLY worth it. i think i gained from the experience. if you want to know anything in specific....feel free to ask!

bunkbed III

my big brother is so cool
he's like a dentist you know
"just pick up your hand
if you don't like it," so

as the tickle fight progresses
and i want him to stop now
i pick up my hand screaming
"STOP" as loud as i know how.

my big brother is so cruel
he's like a dentist you know.
i pick up my hand to tell him to STOP
but he continues to GO.

rescue

they're all sitting in the kitchen
right below my bedroom
when i fall off the top bunk and sprain my arm.

one, two, three, four, five sets of pounding footsteps coming up the stairs.
one slower set, cuz mommy has trouble with the stairs.
heads poking in my doorway...
i wake up from all the noise.

all my older brothers, my father, my mother
came to rescue me from my fall

why don't they come save me
every night?

exposed

trust betrayed
i've been exposed
broken
boundaries crossed
spirits crushed from
words spoken


i'm not sure how much longer i can keep my blog up.

to all my friends, please take up where i'm leaving off!

metal spoons

when: friday night, year unknown

where: at the dining room table

we're waiting for everyone to finish washing. i'm bored, and he's sitting straight across from me. in childish innocence, i play a game. "monkey see, monkey do".

he taps his fingers.
i tap mine.

he hums a tune.
i hum back.

everyone's laughing.

he starts getting annoyed. this isn't supposed to happen! it's just a game! i'm too little to understand not to push my volatile brother too far.

he makes a face.
i make a face.

he glares at me.
i glare back.

he picks up his spoon, voicelessly threatening to throw it at me.
i pick up mine.

next thing i know, there's a twinging pain above my eye, and i have two soup spoons instead of one. touching my eyebrow, i feel a droplet of blood. not too much.

i don't understand. wasn't it just
a game?
like all the others we have
played?

i guess i was wrong.
now i know, never get him upset.
if you do, you will regret it.

lesson learned.

can't get the words out

words what are words what are they for why write them who reads them who needs them who cares why bother try and make some sense of it how does this fit in with my life i can't think why think what's the point in doing that does it ever end thoughts are floating through my head but i can't catch them and figure out their meaning

i'm so mixed up and i can't figure out what i'm trying to say or how to say it or what i'm thinking or why i'm thinking it i forgot to email someone i was supposed to email and now if i do she won't even get it before monday so what's the point in doing it why are my thoughts such a mess what's the point in all this mush

i'm more messed up than i thought my thoughts are spinning twirling swirling and i can't straighten them out or make any sense out of them

touching me

it's not a hand that's touching me tonight. it's something else. doesn't hurt, just making me shake. it's...uncomfortable. and intrusive. it doesn't belong. i want it to go away...

quote

"Even my friends I feel they love me but in my crazy head I don't see why." quote from growing up with child sexual abuse

this is so true. i never put it in words, but...i really don't understand it! i'm not loveable...(this is not a call for people to say they love me, it wouldn't help anyway!) it's just something i can't understand!

over

pesach is over!!!!!!!!!! i'm on top of the world sorta. i lived! i made it! i didn't get myself locked up! i'm so cool!

thanks to all my friends who put up with my idiocy (you know who you are), who rescued me from insanity (i hope you know who you are too), and who didn't drop me!!

it's over, it's over, it's over, it's over, it's over, it's over!!!!!!!!!!

question of the day:

if i sort of unintentionally hurt myself, and that triggers me, so i hurt myself on purpose, and now i'm in pain, is the pain my fault?

oh therapy!

oh therapy, oh therapy
once every week,
get it all out,
try to just speak.
talk to a stranger bout future and past
try to explain why you're always upset

and while, you're speaking,
she takes notes so carefully...
scribbling down
every sound, every frown,
while you talk on so miserably,
scribbling down
every sound, every frown,
and hope that you leave happily!

guess the tune! winner gets a cyber-high five, where we imagine slapping five and missing!

thing number three

thing number three to do when you feel like hurting yourself...journal feelings.

what are feelings anyway? i dunno what i'm feeling. except for feeling like hurting myself. i tried everything that didn't require me to get out of my chair from the list. snapped a rubber band, didn't help, wrong sensation. tried the one friend who i thought might be up, she didn't answer. i should try sleep, but that leaves me away from the computer, and i can't check the list if i'm not by the computer, and who says it's gonna work? usually it doesn't. can't watch a movie, netflix is down, and everything is triggering me. i'm scared. it's hurting me again. i'm also so so tired. probably cuz the meds are starting to kick in. hey, that means i actually remembered my meds two nights in a row, and it's only monday! i can put that on my list of good things. if i remember. this is so not about my feelings. it's just random thoughts. who cares? it's just getting stuff out. i feel like i'm having a conversation with myself. really, i'm not. i'm having a conversation with my readers, who aren't reading this right now, but will read it, eventually. right? (no, i didn't hear an answer. THANK GOD!) (see, i do see the good sometimes) it hurts. it's touching me again. tingly prickly feeling, like...like...i dunno. sorta like his hands are there. slight pressure. i wish i knew the technical term for the exact area that i'm feeling this in. it's not quite any area, that i can think of. it's just...just whatever. and it hurts. oh, i said that already. i keep feeling like i'm on the verge of tears, and then for some reason they just don't spill over. i feel like there's something wrong with me. i'm so depressed and sad and lonely and upset, and yet i can't cry. it hurts. i think i'm not even doing a good job explaining what i'm feeling. no wonder no one can figure out a way to help me. but of course, i can't do a better job cuz i have no idea what's wrong with the way i'm trying to explain myself!

this is getting really long and pointless. i'm writing too many things like this lately. it's not helping either.

slide show at the top

recently, the slide show on the top of my blog has been freaking me out a bit. i mean, i wrote it to be spooky. because i know it's true. but the last few weeks, it's really been hitting home. especially since i started my survivors forums, and i've been meeting new people through it.

from when i started my blog, i've been getting these little shocks. my first commenter (this comment was not published) was someone i knew in real life. i knew right away it was her, because i knew her blogger name, but she didn't know she was talking to me. she was abused.

then i started my survivor group blog, and another blogger emailed me. this one i didn't know in real life, just through blogging, but again...suddenly, this person whose blog i was reading suddenly turned out to be...you guessed it, another frum girl who was abused.

in the last week (!!) i have suddenly been hit with this information twice. once a friend's friend, who i've been meeting up with in other places for the past two years, and just after yom tov, someone from my shul. neither one knew they were talking to me, until i told them my real name. it's an uncomfortable situation to be in. on the one hand, i'd like to remain little sheep to most of you. on the other hand, if you accidentally give me your identity (and i beg of you, if you don't want this to be you, make sure the email address you use doesn't have your name on it!) and it turns out that i know you, it's not so nice for me to pretend you're a total stranger!

i could be your friend, cousin, neighbor, or sister. maybe i sat next to you in school, or slept in the room next door in seminary. i might be your mother, your aunt, your teacher, or your student...

and only now am i realizing just how true these statements are.

trip

Far away from home
cant get there on my own
creepy crawlies on my arms
up my legs they come in swarms
want to get back into bed
cannot get there, like i said

hand

why do i feel
a hand
touching me
again and
again when
i am
the only one
here?

GO AWAY!!!!

words of wisdom

from a messed up mind

~things don't get better. they get worse.

~anything is possible to the one who doesn't have to do it alone.

~falling apart sounds better every day.

~explosions are cool!

~why bother?

~whatever.

~angry? who's angry? i never get angry.

~pesach is the most beautiful holiday out there. that's why i love it so much.

~the harder the holiday is, the more likely it is to be a week long, involve lots of family, and have simchos fall out on it.

~i'm happy. have you ever seen me not happy?

~i really need a life.

note: some of this is sarcastic, some is not. it's up to you to figure it out. and if you can't, you don't know me.

therapist 10, take two

second session was supposed to be tonight. it was cancelled.

oh, the joys of therapy...

can't think

i can't think straight. all i want to do is hurt myself. but really i don't want to hurt myself. i don't know what i want. i want help. but i keep pushing away those who want to help me. why am i such a mess? i want to cry. but i don't. i know if i start crying, i'll be texting my friend in two seconds flat asking how i can get the tears to stop. but i want to. my body is acting all weird. probably cuz i spent so much time hurting it today. so it hurts. everything hurts. my friend says that happiness exists, i just have to look to find it. i don't believe that it does. but i don't think she'd lie to me either. so now i dunno. i'm all mixed up. why do people have to confuse me anyway? and stop feeling sorry for me. i hate when you say that. it makes me feel like even more like a messed up freak. as if that's possible. and i dunno how to chill out, ok? i have to be on high alert, i have to know what's happening and who's coming and going and why things are happening and what causes them. i just have to. you keep saying, everyone keeps saying, that there's good to find in this holiday. if there's good, then show it to me. don't tell me to look for it, because obviously, my vision is clouded, and there's something wrong with me that i can't see it. i can't, ok? i've tried. but i don't see anything. all i see in this holiday is pain. either i'm here and he's here, or he doesn't come, and i'm a disgusting person for making his wife have all the hard work of making her own pesach, or i'm kicked out of my house, and spending yom tov hopping around to relatives i don't necesarily enjoy being with. where's the good in that? and now i'm starting to cry. a drop. no i'm not, it stopped already. good, cuz i can't handle the stupid baby tears right now. there, i found something good. see? i do try. i wish you wouldn't see me as creating drama. cuz i don't mean to. really. and if it's subconscious, there's not much i can do about it, is there? maybe subconsciously i'm really a happy wappy person and i just don't see it. and how can i chill out if i don't know how anyway? whatever. now i'm starting to cry again. i hate this stupid brain. too bad i'm stuck with it. i'm shaking. my head hurts. i should go to sleep. pop a happiness pill and just go to sleep. but if i get into bed, i know i'm going to hurt myself again. and i don't want to. but i do. now i'm just going in circles. i should shut up. i'm cold. my skin is crawling.

why can't this stupid holiday just be over already?

are there any good, legal, easy to get, over the counter drugs that would put me to sleep for the whole thing? (without landing me in a psych ward)

stupid, stupid holiday.

today

nothing to say really, except stupid stupid day.

wish it were over already. after pesach. can't i sleep through the whole thing???

goals V

this week i will...

~eat two meals every day

this is dumb. i can't think of anything else!

cautiously hopeful

so, here i am, two hours post meeting therapist number 10.

the days before meeting a new therapist, i'm always a mess. i hate first sessions, and it shows. all this history review and explaining why i was one diagnosed with some psycho-something or another based on some garbage i made up when i was ten. explaining why i left therapists 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. i hate the anticipation, and i hate the actual meeting.

so considering what this meeting was all about...i'm cautiously hopeful. she seems pretty sweet, she has a sense of humor. she's goal oriented. so it might work.

except that she banned practically my entire vocabulary, starting next week. no "i dunno"s, no "whatever", and no shrugging shoulders. maybe i'll take her up on her offer of dimmed lights...

next morning

i wake up slightly disoriented. why am i in the girls' room at C's house? i have a bed at home...the house isn't that crowded! then i remember. jack.

my stomach hurts. not like a regular stomach ache though. i get nervous. running to the bathroom, i discover a little blood in my underwear. so this is what a "period" feels like. i go home crying.

i hate being a girl. i hate my body. and i never, ever, ever want to get married and have kids. never. i wish it would just go away.

spiders IV

spiders crawling up my back,
down they go, along the track,
straight into my underwear,
how i wish they'd disappear.

along my arms, here come more,
i know what they have in store,
they want me to do their will,
until i do, they won't be still.

positive post III

this week i...

~cooked lunch for my family (one day)

~cleaned for pesach

~ate two meals (four days)

~walked around the block with my sister (thanks for the idea, rebitzen!)

~volunteered in a school (two days)

~went out for ice cream (thanks shef & *me*!)

~went out with a friend (thanks friend!)

~emailed a bunch of rabbis and therapists

~went to a shiur (thanks shef!)

~went out to eat with my mother and brother

~finished therapy with therapist #9

~got my hair done

~read a book, just because

this stupid body

i hate this stupid body,
and all it represents.
the shape, the size, the nature,
all this i resent.

i hate this stupid body,
i hate the way it feels,
the way it reacts when tickled,
with "happy," laughing squeels.

i hate this stupid body,
the memories it holds,
i hate all the sensations,
tingling hots and colds.

i hate this stupid body,
the way it shakes and quivers,
how when someone touches,
they leave me here in shivers.

i hate this stupid body,
that listens to my mind
telling me to hurt myself,
it's really so unkind.

i hate this stupid body,
and all it represents.
the shape, the size, the nature,
all this i resent.

explosion III

my therapist is nice. she's been my therapist for almost two years already. she comes to my house to pick me up, and takes me to someone else's office. it's different than hers. in her office, there are games and art supplies. this is not a kid friendly office at all. in some ways, i don't care. i'm not a kid anymore.

i sit down in the swivel chair. spinning, spinning, spinning. faster, faster, faster. answering questions while i spin. aren't you dizzy, she askes? i don't care, i answer. spinning, spinning, spinning. faster, faster, faster. when i walk out, i don't remember what we talked about.

she drops me off at home. i pack a bag, and go back to my cousin's house. i'm going to sleep there. i can't sleep in the same house as jack. i bring along my stuffed gorilla. no one my age sleeps with a stuffed animal anymore, and i'm embarrassed. but i bring it anyway. i need it to sleep. i don't even know why i like gorilla. its fur is scratchy. plus, once someone put him on top of a lamp, so some of his fur is burnt off. i'm happy when no one notices that i brought him along. i leave my stuff on the extra bed. my cousin's little daughter has to sleep on the floor because of me. it's not really so extra. if this was a regular sleepover, we wouldn't care. like this, i'm embarrassed, and she's a little resentful. she's only seven, why wouldn't she be?

in the morning, i go back home. i need to help get ready for the seder like everyone else. but i go back to my cousin every time i need a break. one time that i come over, i hear a shriek, and see something black and furry fly out the window. one of the kids saw black fur on the bed, and out of fear that it was a real animal, picked it up and threw it. it lands outside in a mud puddle. now, i don't have a stuffed animal anymore.

explosion II

read my first explosion post first for the beginning...

i dial the number with trembling fingers. it's a good thing there's a phone practically in front of my face. i wish it were a cordless though, so i wouldn't have to stay there, right next to the bed. we don't have a cordless phone though.

my mother picks up the phone, and i start crying. at first, she's not too worried. it's not the first time i've called her upset today. earlier, there was a fight about breakfast. so she doesn't worry that i'm upset. i've always carried my bad moods for a long time, so why should today be any different? it doesn't make it good or anything, but it's life. that's why i'm still in therapy, even though the original made up issues that brought me in are long gone. when i tell her that jack was trying to take my shirt off though, i really shock her. she tells me to get out of the house, and run to my cousin CE's house.

i'm crying. he comes back upstairs. the person at the door only had to give him a package. or maybe pick one up. he looks really angry. i'm scared. i hear my mother tell me to put jack on the phone. i can barely choke out the words. "mommy wants to talk to you." and then i run out of the house.

i get to my cousin's house faster than i ever have before. her daughter is a few years older than me. i've already dried my tears. i don't want her to know that i was crying. "hi! i came to visit!" i say cheerfully. she says, "you can only come if you're going to help." i sit down on the couch with mountains of socks. green tip with green tip. white sock with white sock. i don't care. as long as i don't have to see jack.

my mother calls. she wants the details of the story. i'm embarrassed to be talking about this in the kitchen. my cousin has the sense to get her kids out of the way. i tell her the story again. she asks me questions, and i answer. she tells me that i'm going to see my therapist later, she's borrowing someone's office for an emergency session with me. her office is already closed for pesach.

that night we did bedikas chametz. our house was sparkling, my soul, my mind, my body were not.